Please enjoy this distraction from the world.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn't know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
— Shawn (@online_shawn) July 27, 2013
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren't wet enough
— Retired Zoologist (@SortaBad) June 2, 2014
This is what the electoral map would look like if only dogs voted pic.twitter.com/jHzzmg4NG9
— Jessie Dean (@NicCageMatch) October 13, 2016
I couldn't find a Halloween wreath that was scary enough so I'm just gonna hang a 2016 calendar on my door.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) October 12, 2016
im watching a documentary about punk rock and can't think of many things less punk rock than doing that
— Sad Tiger (@SaddestTiger) January 4, 2014
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you're an "arf"itect lol
Me: haha good one
Me: (under breath) it's "bark"itect
— FroVoving (@fro_vo) October 10, 2016
the baptisms at this place are wild pic.twitter.com/82eR8ZOfmA
— Cool Eric (@OBiiieeee) October 6, 2016
FRED: *removing villains mask*
SCOOBY DOO: rarent we rall rust rearing retaphorical rasks to risguise rour true rideous relves
— regluar name (@hippieswordfish) June 5, 2016
Me: Pull my finger.
ME: haha j/k that's actually why I came in.
— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) August 17, 2015
(making small talk with my boss as we leave the office on a friday) so do u micromanage ur family on the weekends
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) September 24, 2016
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
— vineyille (@vineyille) April 6, 2015
guy: who's your daddy
me: finally, some backstory
— glam cabal (@themiltron) June 13, 2016
If, at my funeral, no one mentions how I always returned my grocery carts to the parking lot cart corral I'm going to be v pissed
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) April 4, 2016
Naming my Wifi network "Dad" because it never connects.
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) September 4, 2016
It would be a bummer if your psychic friend gave you a prosthetic hand for Christmas.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) November 30, 2014