Mike
Trick or treat, smell my feet, here’s a list of funny tweets.
What idiot called it incest instead of pumpkin?
— Amanda Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) October 19, 2014
[whispers to jesus] are we allowed to jerk off here
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) October 21, 2016
https://twitter.com/DanMentos/status/784170034339782656
wow, i've never thought about it like that before. and i never will. i've already forgotten what you said, good bye forever
— wolf pupy (@wolfpupy) January 10, 2016
https://twitter.com/thenatewolf/status/789976799560237056
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
— pensive calypso music (@pharmasean) August 23, 2016
*knock on door*
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*shuts door*
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
Good answer— Dr. Bucky Isotope, why am I here, am I even real? (@BuckyIsotope) September 10, 2015
Asked the mattress store guy if I could get a 360° bed and he said "you're describing a coffin"
— Thing Bad (@Merman_Melville) October 20, 2016
I'm worried my cat isn't eating enough fish skeletons out of trashcans.
— penjamin is now @ghostdraculas (@upsidedowntrash) September 2, 2015
https://twitter.com/OneTrickTofani/status/599616592322891777
When Vanna White dies her family will receive a lot of touching letters.
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) May 30, 2010
whenever someone mentions fight club i roll my eyes and tell them i prefer the original british bbc mini-series "Pummel House"
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) October 18, 2016
https://twitter.com/bea_ker/status/783050974944305153
What they say:
Hi I'm Brandon. This is Liz and Steven.
What I remember:
Hi I'm BLERPBLAP. This is GLAUNGH and CRAIG or maybe GREG.
— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) March 29, 2016
*walks into school & grabs the intercom*
"IT'S ALL LIES.YOULL NEVER USE MATH IN REAL LIFE"
*fighting noises*
"SUBTRACT MATH FROM YOUR LIVES"— Good Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) November 19, 2014