Trick or treat, smell my feet, here’s a list of funny tweets.
What idiot called it incest instead of pumpkin?
— Boo Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) October 19, 2014
[whispers to jesus] are we allowed to jerk off here
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) October 21, 2016
First they came for the clowns, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a clown.
Then they came for the mimes.
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) October 6, 2016
wow, i've never thought about it like that before. and i never will. i've already forgotten what you said, good bye forever
— wolf pupy (@wolfpupy) January 10, 2016
Interviewer: would you call yourself a hard worker?
Me: absolutely. I make almost everything harder than it has to be.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) October 22, 2016
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
— warren christmas (@pharmasean) August 23, 2016
*knock on door*
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 10, 2015
Asked the mattress store guy if I could get a 360° bed and he said "you're describing a coffin"
— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) October 20, 2016
I'm worried my cat isn't eating enough fish skeletons out of trashcans.
— penjamin.thx (@upsidedowntrash) September 2, 2015
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
— Hi, My Name is Nick Tofani. Welcome 2 My Home Page (@OneTrickTofani) May 16, 2015
When Vanna White dies her family will receive a lot of touching letters.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 30, 2010
whenever someone mentions fight club i roll my eyes and tell them i prefer the original british bbc mini-series "Pummel House"
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) October 18, 2016
[seeing a kid in a Cub Scout uniform] thank you for your service
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) October 3, 2016
What they say:
Hi I'm Brandon. This is Liz and Steven.
What I remember:
Hi I'm BLERPBLAP. This is GLAUNGH and CRAIG or maybe GREG.
— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) March 29, 2016
*walks into school & grabs the intercom*
"IT'S ALL LIES.YOULL NEVER USE MATH IN REAL LIFE"
"SUBTRACT MATH FROM YOUR LIVES"
— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) November 19, 2014