Please enjoy this list of funny tweets, or don’t, it’s a free country, for now.
[literally anything happens]
GEOLOGISTS: ahh yes. because of the rocks
— jade (@TheDreamGhoul) October 19, 2015
anxiety got me approaching relationships like pic.twitter.com/DOXG9qB8us
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) October 12, 2016
invented a pair of socks that cleans the floor as you walk. i call them… "socks"
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) April 5, 2015
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) May 8, 2015
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
— Stefan Heck (@boring_as_heck) May 30, 2015
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) September 29, 2015
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I'm going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I'm completely insane
— Shawn (@online_shawn) October 4, 2016
Thinkin' of replacin' my gas powered eel with an electric one.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) October 5, 2016
[dogs around campfire]
*flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time
— tomsauced™ (@trojansauce) May 27, 2015
[After Big Jewel Heist]
"We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan"
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn't get to use): Yea it was ok
— joseph turkey (@sad_tree) April 12, 2015
I bet centaurs never know who to root for at rodeos.
— tardigrades don't like nazis on the site. (@yerpalmildsauce) November 12, 2014
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane's dog & she was like, "I've never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"
— Røb Fee (@robfee) March 20, 2014
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I'm late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
— lady bird seph (@ladybroseph) August 5, 2015
911 what's your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma'am we don't–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) May 28, 2013
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a "thirsty boy"
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) February 18, 2016