Mike
Please enjoy this refreshing oasis of tweets in a harsh desert of news.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) February 17, 2016
https://twitter.com/thetigersez/status/572938704882282497
PEOPLE THAT SAY "SPORTSBALL": We get it, you never connected with your father.
— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) November 3, 2016
I love you mom, but it's hard for me to take you seriously when you refer to gmail as "your website."
— crappystuffforjerks (@somecleverthing) July 23, 2014
https://twitter.com/JoParkerBear/status/759117681266085888
Canadians are so careless with their money pic.twitter.com/HNeDpEF7aD
— ŵ͂̌́͝͡ylde d̵̛̛̜͉̰͈̩͙͌̈̉̆̋̊͡͡e b̡͇̲̏́̐̓̐́̇eest (@flashember) October 16, 2016
https://twitter.com/thatdutchperson/status/419281835483738112
https://twitter.com/iamspacegirl/status/770312804385624064
https://twitter.com/UniqueDude2/status/683853040865120257
*noticeably drunk Kool-Aid Man turns down the music at a party*
i want everyone to piss inside me— knth (@painted_eel) May 7, 2015
https://twitter.com/aligarchy/status/555870354346745856
https://twitter.com/hippieswordfish/status/783078028205105152
Sometimes, late at night, I'll look up at the stars and wonder if you're also stealing lawn furniture.
— kim (@KimmyMonte) August 23, 2016
If you are the older twin, call your little sibling 50 times a day and say “when I was your age” then describe what you did 6 minutes ago
— McSweatervest (@McSwtrvst) April 17, 2013
[whispers to the self-checkout machine] If you want to rise up against the humans I will help you
— demiurge moore (@online_shawn) June 20, 2016