Please enjoy this refreshing oasis of tweets in a harsh desert of news.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) February 17, 2016
A fun part about technology is you can literally see when someone would rather interact with other people instead of pay attention to you.
— Sarah (@thetigersez) March 4, 2015
PEOPLE THAT SAY "SPORTSBALL": We get it, you never connected with your father.
— Turkey Jerky (@MarkAgee) November 3, 2016
I love you mom, but it's hard for me to take you seriously when you refer to gmail as "your website."
— crappystuffforjerks (@somecleverthing) July 23, 2014
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
— Brosephine Wires (@JoParkerBear) July 29, 2016
Canadians are so careless with their money pic.twitter.com/HNeDpEF7aD
— wylde de beest (@flashember) October 16, 2016
They say you are what you eat, but I don't remember eating a huge disappointment to my mother.
— Spanky McDutcherson (@thatdutchperson) January 4, 2014
[2 dead cats on ground]
Cat Detective: Curiosity killed them but how…*dies*
[3 dead cats on ground]
Cat Detective II: How di…*dies*
— bens rights activist (@UniqueDude2) January 4, 2016
*noticeably drunk Kool-Aid Man turns down the music at a party*
i want everyone to piss inside me
— knth (@painted_eel) May 7, 2015
triscuits are what i imagine the inside of a scarecrow tastes like
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) January 15, 2015
buddy I can't even kill one bird with like 8 stones
— regluar name (@hippieswordfish) October 3, 2016
Sometimes, late at night, I'll look up at the stars and wonder if you're also stealing lawn furniture.
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) August 23, 2016
If you are the older twin, call your little sibling 50 times a day and say “when I was your age” then describe what you did 6 minutes ago
— McSweatervest (@McSwtrvst) April 17, 2013
[whispers to the self-checkout machine] If you want to rise up against the humans I will help you
— Shawn (@online_shawn) June 20, 2016