15 Twitter Jokes Everyone Should Read
Welcome to another list of funny internet words from strangers.
https://twitter.com/crushingbort/status/463132110006784000
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut— brent (@murrman5) August 14, 2015
I don't know if I have seasonal depression or if am just aware of what's going on
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) November 8, 2016
*digs up family time capsule*
Son, look at those awful clothes and your hair cut
"Dad we just buried this last week*
*stares at son*
I know— Dr. Bucky Isotope, PhD BOFA Economics (@BuckyIsotope) December 2, 2014
"I'm telling you Linda, I know I parked it here" pic.twitter.com/8wsSBNc8Yl
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) August 10, 2016
https://twitter.com/evepeyser/status/701150511395897344
barista: can i get your name please
me: john, with an "h"
(3 min later)
barista: HJON?— chuuch (@ch000ch) March 23, 2016
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you "where's the fire" you can just make up an address. they don't have a list of current fires.
— ringworm (@prawn_meat) October 11, 2016
The thing you have to understand is that Freud's mom was super hot.
— Ben Acker (@bnacker) November 30, 2015
Haha this loser is waiting for my parking spot because she thinks I'm leaving, but I'm really just eating my lunch alone in my car.
— Big Rach (@googleymoogley) August 26, 2013
https://twitter.com/AaronCampeau/status/99222651192606720
https://twitter.com/SortaBad/status/684581233691639808
https://twitter.com/jazmasta/status/793917887065026561
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) March 19, 2016
[My Funeral]
"He died doing what he loved… saying 'Cars have to stop for pedestrians,' as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk."— the pan-midwesterner (@panmidwest) August 4, 2016