15 Twitter Jokes Everyone Should Read
Keep calm and read these fantastic tweets.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven't slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) November 19, 2016
Teach kids about heaven by filling a blowup doll with helium and dressing it in their grandmother's clothes.
— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) October 28, 2016
is that a pocket in your pocket or are you just wearing cargo shorts
— Shira (@shiraselko) July 14, 2012
1. Type password.
2. See PASSWORD INCORRECT
3. Type exact same thing but harder and louder.— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) July 28, 2016
I untangle my headphones like I'm in an infomercial for a product that keeps your headphones from tangling.
— Cate (@c8ters) October 10, 2015
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) September 18, 2014
Just turned wine into barf.
Your move, Jesus.— Pugnado 🐾🌪 (@LuvPug) December 16, 2012
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I'm having an affair— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 18, 2016
https://twitter.com/T_Bonezzz_/status/798163194879438848
[Stripclub]
STRIPPER: so you're the birthday boy
ME: *nervous* yes
STRIPPER: is this your first time?
ME: *points to cake* no i'm turning 26— ally 𝖌𝖆𝖙𝖔𝖗 🐊🧑🍳🐕🏳️🌈 (@notacroc) November 15, 2016
https://twitter.com/LnL245/status/685288232221687808
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
— Kevin Sussman (kevsussman on threads) (@KevinSussman) July 21, 2015
I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
— Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47) April 26, 2016
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
— Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash (@mynameisntdave) August 17, 2016
https://twitter.com/Gooooats/status/590394859434823680