Mike
Here are 15 things from the internet that won’t make you sad.
https://twitter.com/thenatewolf/status/613481407260667904
tfw u've reached ur goals but u feel nothing & now u suspect that nothing will ever be enough to fulfill u pic.twitter.com/dBN7flDKJK
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) October 13, 2016
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
— yourealldumb (@fightforfood) December 15, 2016
We asked 500 men what they look for in a woman and then set them adrift on a raft screaming, because just kidding who cares
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) October 1, 2015
https://twitter.com/Lindzeta/status/291059549841022976
My dad always said "martinis are like breasts: one's not enough, and three's too many." Which was weird when I was 9, but it makes sense now
— crappystuffforjerks (@somecleverthing) December 17, 2016
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 19, 2016
https://twitter.com/JayUhOh/status/310899646518149122
my kindness is NOT weakness. my patience is NOT permission to be cruel. my shoes ARE glow in the dark but i only found out AFTER i got them
— Beth McColl (@imbethmccoll) October 25, 2016
Crazy how people more successful than me are lucky and people less successful than me haven't worked as hard
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) April 10, 2015
https://twitter.com/MelKassel/status/724087434095538176
https://twitter.com/bea_ker/status/778010094944387072
[Drives up to prostitute]
"One sex please"
— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) June 28, 2016
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares— Political Science PhD (@InternetHippo) April 20, 2016
https://twitter.com/DanMentos/status/706858362223271936