Mike
Laughter is considered a good workout. You can skip the gym today.
Dads are like boomerangs, I hope.
— Enrique Shockwave (@UNDEADTRESOR) August 17, 2012
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
— greg (@GrowlyGrego) December 3, 2013
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* "We've got a 13-88 in progress…it's a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn't know it"
— Steven W Skinner (@SkinnerSteven) March 28, 2015
https://twitter.com/trojansauce/status/818732931388702722
[at the vet with my cat]
cat: meow
me: i know, that's why i brought you here— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) January 8, 2017
https://twitter.com/philyuck/status/428928584212705281
https://twitter.com/abbycohenwl/status/581491220846804992
https://twitter.com/eedrk/status/603040729062060033
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
— shindiana jones (@MikeBigby) April 25, 2016
Originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce
— kim (@KimmyMonte) January 18, 2017
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
— alexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) June 9, 2016
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) July 13, 2015
https://twitter.com/NicCageMatch/status/306865595478048770
https://twitter.com/longwall26/status/372145932273336321
The weatherman said it's nice outside. I guess they don't let him watch the rest of the news.
— Piece (@Piecezilla) June 17, 2015