Mike
Nothing takes the sting out of Monday like some premium chuckles.
hm can't decide what i want to order. what do you recommend on the menu? what are the chef's specials? what did the car in front of me get
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) August 7, 2014
https://twitter.com/ErinEph/status/542475112914907137
Calm down, notebook, no it didn't. pic.twitter.com/ebZfgZLUbN
— Amanda Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) January 27, 2016
All-You-Can-Eat Pancakes should be called Four Pancakes.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 15, 2017
Find the one thing you love and shut up about it
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) January 22, 2015
https://twitter.com/bourgeoisalien/status/631541477156388864
If you pretend to be dead long enough, people come along and do your hair & makeup for free.
— oll (@dulcetry) May 3, 2015
I know it's time to do the dishes because this morning I ate cereal with the last clean ping-pong paddle.
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) April 28, 2014
*does entire Indianapolis 500 with right blinker on*
— Dr. Bucky Isotope, why am I here, am I even real? (@BuckyIsotope) May 24, 2015
https://twitter.com/hippieswordfish/status/576053845710671872
[2 gators hanging out on a river bank]
"Remind me again, Carl. Are we crocodiles or–"
We're alligators, Gary. Jesus Christ.
— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) November 4, 2014
https://twitter.com/ibid78/status/547328028888416257
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I'm pretty hot actually— pat tobin (@tastefactory) June 7, 2015
https://twitter.com/RileyCaptain/status/591356776492204032
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) May 3, 2015