Mike
Tuck into this nice fresh list of quality tweets.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say "Uh Oh Spaghetti O's" when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O's— Good Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) February 10, 2016
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
— mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) February 17, 2017
https://twitter.com/eedrk/status/829506461894008832
Combine all sports into one sport called Ballstorm and then maybe I'll watch it
— demiurge moore (@online_shawn) September 10, 2015
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn't even care if I killed someone in front of him.
— chelsea anét (@chelseaanet) March 10, 2014
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don't even see them on here. What page are you on?
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) October 24, 2016
https://twitter.com/ElleOhHell/status/634406741829132288
Shoes are just strap-on floors.
— Ꮍᴀᴇʟ (@elle91) February 23, 2015
https://twitter.com/Sarcasticsapien/status/832651783403106304
https://twitter.com/Ygrene/status/818591584698638337
Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
— Amanda Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) October 7, 2015
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
— Pete Mandik (@petemandik) February 9, 2017
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
— 🇺🇸Frank Whítehouse 🇺🇸 (@WheelTod) February 1, 2017
[After losing a rap battle]
"How did he get a hold of my credit score?"— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) July 7, 2015
swipe down on tinder to send people straight to hell
— village fetish (@botandy) May 1, 2016