Relax. Let your mind go blank. Open your third eye. Read these tweets with it.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) March 5, 2017
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) February 22, 2016
cvs cashier: howre you doing this evening
me: (pulling a whole chair out of my purse & sitting down in it) look i didnt prepare for this but
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) March 2, 2017
My favorite books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) February 28, 2017
My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white lady who looked nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait that's not my waiter.
— Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) March 21, 2013
DON DRAPER: "We quiero many things. Family, safety, love. But this guy–"
(Taps drawing of chihuahua)
"There's only one thing he quieros."
— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) June 6, 2014
My spirit animal is that .1% of bacteria that Lysol can't kill
— Cynthia (@Super_Cynthia) January 12, 2016
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it's so when I'm eating prairie grasses I can see predators
— Böb Jänke (@Bob_Janke) June 11, 2014
ME: Mom, I'm gay
MOM: *just eyeing my outfit*
ME: I never said I was good at it
— eddie (ft. pringles) (@flaccidumbrella) February 1, 2017
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) November 30, 2013
DATE: What's your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) February 17, 2017
When life gives you lemons, you should peel one in front of the other lemons. You know… to send a message.
— SJ (@SuperJuanderer) September 8, 2014
Is coral the stupidest animal or the smartest rock
— REW (@therealeatwood) January 13, 2016
I'm so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) February 20, 2017
extremely suspicious that there's no information about brains that didn't come from a brain
— regluar name (@hippieswordfish) February 2, 2017