Mike
These tweets are gluten-free but you won’t be able to tell the difference.
The canary looked up from the cage where it had pretended to die. The last of the miners had fled. Fools. The sweet, sweet coal was all his.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) October 3, 2013
https://twitter.com/NicCageMatch/status/710932878335541250
https://twitter.com/WookieOnUnicorn/status/626220661665480704
https://twitter.com/FeralCrone/status/841433716023001089
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) March 4, 2017
I got no shame about showing up at your party on time. You said 9 it's 9:06 let's go. I'm ready to small talk your work pal from 2 jobs ago!
— Kevin Seccia (@kevinseccia) February 28, 2017
https://twitter.com/vineyille/status/834759362656792579
https://twitter.com/ElleOhHell/status/634406741829132288
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i'll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts— jonny sun (@jonnysun) July 5, 2016
https://twitter.com/trojansauce/status/844526825254596609
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I'm pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) March 22, 2017
people are looking at the conveyor belt waiting for their luggage to come out. suddenly i emerge, sitting on a picnic blanket eating dinner
— herbie (@obviouslyherbie) November 24, 2016
[tunes an acoustic guitar for 5 minutes and then screams into the hole]
— demiurge moore (@online_shawn) April 24, 2016
DAD [megaphone]: Son, free the hostages
SON [in bank]: ONLY IF U HUG ME, DAD
DAD:
COP: Talk to him!
DAD [megaphone]: I'll put ur mother on— Hi, I'm Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) April 30, 2015
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don't lick my lips again.— Paul (@FrenulumBreve) August 19, 2015