Jeff Wysaski
Put on your fins and snorkel because we’re plunging into the Twitter deep-end…
https://twitter.com/trojansauce/status/844526825254596609
When I was a kid, I thought a sexist was someone who enjoys sex, but I eventually realized it's someone who deserves none.
— Abby Normal (@MrsTomServo) March 2, 2017
https://twitter.com/notacroc/status/785876094658510848
If you must imagine an otter wearing a lil top hat, AT LEAST add a pretend chin strap so he doesn't lose it in the ocean
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) March 9, 2017
BANK TELLER: to open an account I'll need a first name
ME: Robin
BT: and a last?
ME: Dabanc
BT: so ur Robin Dabanc
Me: *slowly reveals gun*— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) December 29, 2016
When you see only 1 set of footprints in the sand-that was when I carried you; when you saw those weird lines that was when we got heelys
— Marin Hubka (@marinhubka) December 23, 2014
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what's your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here— rob elliott (@rockymomax) March 27, 2017
Always give a thumbs up while yawning so deaf people know you’re not screaming.
— RobotRowboat™ (@robotrowboat) January 6, 2015
https://twitter.com/gothicaseas/status/650426587767250945
(Spelling Bee)
JUDGE: Your word is catastrophe.
ME: Y. O. U. R. F. A. C. E.
*all the mics in the room simultaneously drop to the floor*— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) July 28, 2016
https://twitter.com/SomeChrisTweets/status/842209394347524096
https://twitter.com/abrasiveghost/status/721395211516121088?lang=en
https://twitter.com/aligarchy/status/832877408269111296
Therapist: It's been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
— Vault 69 Boy (@aka_fatman) October 4, 2015
My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji.
— JennyPentland, GED (@JennyPentland) October 9, 2014