Mike
Please enjoy these tweets. My livelihood depends on it.
https://twitter.com/msdanifernandez/status/490710960869359616
When I'm in a group text pic.twitter.com/KAduOPbc9b
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) May 18, 2017
Right as the plane takes off, I like to turn to the person next to me and ask, "Do you think you could ever be friends with someone like me"
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) May 17, 2017
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) November 10, 2013
I like how people say "Pardon my French" when they curse, instead of when they can't pronounce "Les Miserables"
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) March 29, 2016
My "Not involved in human trafficking" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
— mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) November 21, 2013
https://twitter.com/Leemanish/status/372393680872558592
"I can't believe we're selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…"
WALL: "I saw you vacuum up your kid's hamster."— Jade Van Kley (@BacklineNurse) May 21, 2015
https://twitter.com/senderblock23/status/557407224524308480
My family crest is a guy writing out a birthday card on his steering wheel.
— Rob Cee (@TheRobCee) March 26, 2017
https://twitter.com/tombrodude/status/527172918670016512
*digs up family time capsule*
Son, look at those awful clothes and your hair cut
"Dad we just buried this last week*
*stares at son*
I know— Dr. Bucky Isotope, why am I here, am I even real? (@BuckyIsotope) December 2, 2014
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
— nina treemonkey (@ninatreemonkey) July 30, 2015
https://twitter.com/iamspacegirl/status/770312804385624064
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) January 9, 2014