Please enjoy these tweets. My livelihood depends on it.
If you liked "These Boots Are Made for Walkin" youll enjoy other hits like "This Toaster Toasts Things" and "Whats the Phone Number for 911"
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) July 20, 2014
When I'm in a group text pic.twitter.com/KAduOPbc9b
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) May 18, 2017
Right as the plane takes off, I like to turn to the person next to me and ask, "Do you think you could ever be friends with someone like me"
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) May 17, 2017
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) November 10, 2013
I like how people say "Pardon my French" when they curse, instead of when they can't pronounce "Les Miserables"
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) March 29, 2016
My "Not involved in human trafficking" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
— shut up, mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) November 21, 2013
Built a TV news desk in the living room. Area wife very upset.
— blake (@Leemanish) August 27, 2013
"I can't believe we're selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…"
WALL: "I saw you vacuum up your kid's hamster."— jade (@TheDreamGhoul) May 21, 2015
[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened— kid block (@senderblock23) January 20, 2015
My family crest is a guy writing out a birthday card on his steering wheel.
— Rob "Can't Follow The Nickname Trend" Cee (@TheRobCee) March 26, 2017
If you try to fight me there's only gonna be 4 hits. You hitting me… And me hitting 9, then me hitting 1, and then me hitting 1 again
— Tom Bro Dude (@tombrodude) October 28, 2014
*digs up family time capsule*
Son, look at those awful clothes and your hair cut
"Dad we just buried this last week*
*stares at son*
I know— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) December 2, 2014
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
— neens (@ninatreemonkey) July 30, 2015
https://twitter.com/iamspacegirl/status/770312804385624064
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) January 9, 2014