These are some tweets I thought you’d like. Enjoy.
I got a job at Comcast and completed training so I could fix my own cable because it was faster than being on hold with customer service.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 8, 2017
[getting ready to go out]
Wife: I have nothing to wear!
Me: *wearing my PE shirt from middle school* I'm ready to go
— The Nutzacker (@Mr_Kapowski) May 12, 2017
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 13, 2017
You're darn right I abuse drugs. I see a drug, I punch the crap out of it. Get lost, drugs.
— Mark Magark (@markedly) May 3, 2016
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) March 11, 2017
The snacks you eat after midnight are basically breakfast appetizers
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) April 15, 2017
I've been letting a casserole dish soak since 2011.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) March 29, 2017
You haven’t seen true anger until you’ve watched a toddler trying to carry three things with two hands.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 25, 2017
if I accidentally respond "you too" after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn't awkward
— classic huntigula (@huntigula) September 11, 2014
My blood type is A+ because I'm the best at everything. Even at having blood.
— a CATastrophe (@catstronomical) January 28, 2017
My other body is in the Photoshop.
— She'sARealGenius (@ShesARealGenius) March 9, 2015
The beauty of growing up is you can just do what you want after working and paying bills and doing taxes and exercising and cleaning and
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) February 11, 2017
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
— Justin Guarini (@JustinGuarini) January 5, 2017
Guy in the Petco express line clearly has more than 15 snakes
— blake (@Leemanish) July 23, 2015
ah i seeeee i thought when you said you wanted to start a family it was understood i would be the baby
— pascalle (@frenchielaboozi) June 14, 2013