Mike
Have a seat and read some tweets. You deserve it.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it's mine*— Ray (@SirEviscerate) March 25, 2016
Yeah I'm DTF:
Doing great,
Thanks
For asking.— penjamin is now @ghostdraculas (@upsidedowntrash) June 24, 2017
https://twitter.com/ruinedpicnic/status/878628037050454016
spiders: too many legs. suspicious.
worms: not enough legs. lazy
birds: don't need legs. arrogant— Dee (@figgled) May 31, 2017
https://twitter.com/DanMentos/status/874667610763214848
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos?— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 24, 2016
https://twitter.com/captainkalvis/status/822869654527938564
https://twitter.com/Flora__Flora/status/838744222102609920
https://twitter.com/eedrk/status/870547117068005376
i had a lot of fun with my friends today, and by that i mean some people replied to me online and i replied back
— leon (@leyawn) March 3, 2016
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that's a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them— huntigula (@huntigula) May 25, 2017
https://twitter.com/vineyille/status/859481642389258240
https://twitter.com/mikefossey/status/817217101786189825
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret "numbers" to the hygienist
— Joe Kwaczala (@joekjoek) December 21, 2016
Boss: I need you to work this weekend
Me [cutting off three of my fingers]: i can't, I've got finger surgery this weekend— David Hughes (@david8hughes) June 9, 2017