Mike
Have a seat and read some tweets. You deserve it.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it's mine*— Ray (@SirEviscerate) March 25, 2016
Yeah I'm DTF:
Doing great,
Thanks
For asking.— penjamin.thx (@upsidedowntrash) June 24, 2017
love that classic italian phrase 'mamma mia' which means 'my mother is missing in action'
— public affairs? keep mine private! (from my wife) (@ruinedpicnic) June 24, 2017
spiders: too many legs. suspicious.
worms: not enough legs. lazy
birds: don't need legs. arrogant— Deirdre (@figgled) May 31, 2017
lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I've been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he's saying something else now
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) June 13, 2017
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos?— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 24, 2016
CRIME SCENE
me: four dots in his neck, i suspect two vampires
british officer: what about that bloody fork
me: this is no time to eat sir
— Kal (@captainkalvis) January 21, 2017
U know how In a box of chocolates there's always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. "Put a gross one in there" I said
— detritus (@Flora__Flora) March 6, 2017
my nephew is sick and we are raising $5000 so i can backpack across europe, too depressing to stay here next to this sick kid
— derek (@eedrk) June 2, 2017
i had a lot of fun with my friends today, and by that i mean some people replied to me online and i replied back
— leon ⛈ (@leyawn) March 3, 2016
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that's a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them— classic huntigula (@huntigula) May 25, 2017
What's up guys Epic Prank Dad 87 here, today my son thinks he's going to the zoo but instead I'm going to hit him with my car
— vineyille (@vineyille) May 2, 2017
(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)
— Mike F (@mikefossey) January 6, 2017
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret "numbers" to the hygienist
— Joe Kwaczala (@joekjoek) December 21, 2016
Boss: I need you to work this weekend
Me [cutting off three of my fingers]: i can't, I've got finger surgery this weekend— David Hughes (@david8hughes) June 9, 2017