The only way this week’s tweet list could be any better is if it was wrapped in bacon.
"do you have any pets"
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
"what's his name"
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) July 10, 2017
You (hasn't seen Ratatouille): gross get this rat outta here
Me (smart, has seen Ratatouille): now wait just a minute
— rachel (@rougasrougas) June 19, 2016
[sighs into voice-activated remote]
— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) July 6, 2017
[whispering to date while watching KONG: SKULL ISLAND when Kong first appears on the screen] who's that
— tardigrades don't like nazis on the site. (@yerpalmildsauce) July 3, 2017
I know it's so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
— Shawn (@online_shawn) July 2, 2017
(to an archaeologist) so how long have you been dating
— EVERETT BYRAM (@rad_milk) July 5, 2017
dont tell ur bosses this but it doesnt take a whole hour to eat lunch. takes about 10 min. the rest of the time you can just chill out
— slick (@dlicj) June 21, 2017
Ok here's how I'm gonna make tonight about me.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) November 21, 2014
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) May 25, 2017
*Creator of Charlie Brown sits down to draw a cartoon*
What do eight-year-old boys look like again? Bald? It's bald, right?
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) May 15, 2017
I like to imagine that this person isn't a sports fan and is just rooting for the success of actual ducks pic.twitter.com/V2qxecnwPv
— Retired Zoologist (@SortaBad) April 7, 2017
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
— Marlo Meekins (@MarloMeekins) October 22, 2015
As the sun sets on my fields of wheat, the 4 crossfit dudes stealing my tractor tires fade into the horizon. I hate them but I respect them.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) May 5, 2017
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I'm definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back "lol" after a few minutes.
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) March 8, 2014
MILLENNIAL: omg the line at starbucks is so long lol
BOOMER: a racoon died in the well & we all got ass fever. the king stole our best goat
— mustardsgiving (@nice_mustard) December 9, 2016