Please enjoy this list of very fine tweets.
I don't believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I'd scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.
— Don Nichols (@TheDairylandDon) February 12, 2014
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You're free now.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) July 14, 2017
triscuits are what i imagine the inside of a scarecrow tastes like
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) January 15, 2015
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
— jess (@jessokfine) December 8, 2014
MTV, I am Werner Herzog and this is my crib. It is but temporary refuge from nature's fury. The walls were once trees. I made them traitors.
— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) August 13, 2014
They say video games make u violent, but hundreds of years ago we burned people alive for being witches so probably humans are just garbage
— beth angryoctopus (@bourgeoisalien) May 12, 2016
Boss: You're late.
Me: Sorry, problems at home.
Boss: Don't you live alone?
— Gladstone will leave here for a Nazi-free site (@WGladstone) October 13, 2016
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
— Flora underscore underscore Flora 🦄 (@Flora__Flora) June 29, 2017
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation's brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) June 15, 2016
There's no law that says you can't use a tiny pancake as an eyepatch.
— Chez McCorvey (@CelebrityChez) October 14, 2014
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
Find My Fish Son
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) June 22, 2017
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn't touch my property
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) July 16, 2017
"Sorry just got your text!" – the Great Lie upon which our society rests.
— Jeff Loveness (@JeffLoveness) August 9, 2013
[at the gates of Hell]
Me: [swipes card to enter]
Satan: it's a chip
— #1 samir (@samir) November 6, 2016