Mike
Happy Tweet List Day! I got you this tweets list.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents
— brent (@murrman5) August 7, 2017
*panics during bank robbery*
"Uhhhh hi yeah I'd like to put this gun in my safety deposit box"— Napcore Influencer (@SortaBad) November 18, 2014
https://twitter.com/Ygrene/status/894730903313825792
Shout out to the guy in my Costco who was was scratching his balls so hard it looked like he was playing air guitar.
— Lord James Alvarez (@ObscureGent) August 18, 2014
https://twitter.com/ElleOhHell/status/892469197917310976
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald's employee: [nervously assuring me] it's all there I swear.
— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) April 3, 2016
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the "pull out" method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
— Enrique Shockwave (@UNDEADTRESOR) November 11, 2013
https://twitter.com/Gooooats/status/888086857430335488
i get so confused anytime someone casually waves at a dog. HOW DO THEY KNOW EACHOTHER. ARE THEY WORK FRIENDS. DID THEY GO TO SCHOOL TOGETHER
— jonny sun (@jonnysun) August 10, 2017
"Living the dream" means "being asked to do lots of stuff and then regretfully declining and eating pizza at home" right?
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) August 9, 2017
Relationships are just two people constantly asking each other where they want to go eat, until one of them dies.
— rob fee (@robfee) April 14, 2015
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It's 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this— phil (@PhilJamesson) July 10, 2015
[after a rap battle] hey how did you know all that stuff about my mom?
— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) August 4, 2017
https://twitter.com/novixv/status/718631838827352064