Happy Tweet List Day! I got you this tweets list.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents
— brent (@murrman5) August 7, 2017
*panics during bank robbery*
"Uhhhh hi yeah I'd like to put this gun in my safety deposit box"
— Retired Zoologist (@SortaBad) November 18, 2014
Guy Named Geoff: what should we name our daughter
His Wife Brittini: how about Steoffani
Geoff: *is just weeping tears of geoy*
— Ygrene (@Ygrene) August 8, 2017
Shout out to the guy in my Costco who was was scratching his balls so hard it looked like he was playing air guitar.
— Lord Goomba (@ObscureGent) August 18, 2014
The popular 70s/80s drama CHiPS was adapted from the British show "Constables of the Royal Imperial Street Patrol System (CRiSPS)"
— Elle Oh Hell plus several ellipses……………. (@ElleOhHell) August 1, 2017
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald's employee: [nervously assuring me] it's all there I swear.
— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) April 3, 2016
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the "pull out" method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
— Brandon, But Longer Now. Look How Long This Is!!!! (@UNDEADTRESOR) November 11, 2013
Science Tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
— Goats? (@Gooooats) July 20, 2017
i get so confused anytime someone casually waves at a dog. HOW DO THEY KNOW EACHOTHER. ARE THEY WORK FRIENDS. DID THEY GO TO SCHOOL TOGETHER
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) August 10, 2017
"Living the dream" means "being asked to do lots of stuff and then regretfully declining and eating pizza at home" right?
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) August 9, 2017
Relationships are just two people constantly asking each other where they want to go eat, until one of them dies.
— Røb Fee (@robfee) April 14, 2015
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It's 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
— phil (@PhilJamesson) July 10, 2015
[after a rap battle] hey how did you know all that stuff about my mom?
— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) August 4, 2017
I love how The Beatles are called "the most successful band in modern history" like they can't quite top that band from ancient history.
— novixv? (@novixv) April 9, 2016