I’m not saying these tweets will change your life but they won’t not change your life.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
— Bear Knee Sanders (@LeBearGirdle) August 17, 2017
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
— vineyille (@vineyille) May 22, 2015
Being an old-timey doctor would rule, just drunk as hell like "yeah u got ghosts in your blood, you should do cocaine about it"
— eli yudin (@eliyudin) August 16, 2017
I've decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
— R&M (@dorsalstream) August 14, 2017
"You promise you didn't get me bees again"
[me from a distance] just open it
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) November 11, 2014
When god closes a door he opens a window, secure the perimeter god is escaping
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) July 3, 2016
Cabinets®: for when you want things indoors, twice!! Cabinets®
— karate horse (@Karate_Horse) April 15, 2016
A guy tried to sell me crack today and my answer was "Sorry I can't I have to go to work" as if Saturday is a better day for me to do crack.
— Brian Altano (@agentbizzle) August 11, 2017
Gonna need you to finish your story real quick so i can tell you how the same thing happened to me, but its more interesting cause i’m in it
— shut up, mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) August 10, 2017
the jet black 800-foot walls lined with unknown skulls depress me too honey but we both agreed WAR CUBE was the best house we could afford
— bandit (@UtilityLimb) March 14, 2011
aaARE YOU READY TO RRROCK!! (loud cheers) HOWS EVERYBODY FEELIN TONIGHT! (cheers) ANYBODY HAUNTED BY PROFOUND LOSS (less cheering)
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) August 9, 2017
Closely follow the person in front of you at Chipotle and each time they add an item, quietly say, "Oh, looks like someone read my mind"
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 6, 2017
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat "so sorry so sorry" and keep moving forward.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) August 19, 2014
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
— Bread Savage (@papasuncle) February 22, 2014
*crowd in 1889 screaming because I appeared out of thin air and shot a baby* that was Baby Hitler…everyone calm down that was Baby Hitler
— 🍍 stronger thing 🍍 (@crushingbort) October 23, 2015