Mike
Bringing you that weekly dose of funny. I got you, boo.
1.
People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 1, 2017
2.
Tina, did you have a drink on your lunch break? I won't be mad if you are just honest with me. Tina. I can see you behind that twig. TINA. pic.twitter.com/lMq4zf2sXY
— mamrie hart (@mametown) September 4, 2017
3.
Me, 6 am to 10:30 pm — "I'm so tired."
Me, 11 pm — "I can't sleep."
— Jessie 🦇 (@NicCageMatch) September 14, 2017
4.
Twitter's original name was "Sentence Contest"
— Ari Scott (@ariscott) March 15, 2013
5.
https://twitter.com/Kendragarden/status/821034442277822464
6.
When you die, a carny helps you out of your human body, waits to see if you're going to throw up, then asks if you want to go again.
— Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) September 9, 2017
7.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
— ŵ͂̌́͝͡ylde d̵̛̛̜͉̰͈̩͙͌̈̉̆̋̊͡͡e b̡͇̲̏́̐̓̐́̇eest (@flashember) April 21, 2017
8.
somethin kinda neat i found out…if you ignore a problem for long enough, it either goes away or ruins your life. so 50/50. pretty good odds.
— bobby (@bobby) July 6, 2017
9.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some— pat tobin (@tastefactory) September 13, 2017
10.
https://twitter.com/hiitsmolly/status/900518611936137216
11.
It's too early for this U-Haul to be mocking me pic.twitter.com/ks6kuVa4oY
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) July 23, 2017
12.
WOMAN: I do not want to have sex with you
MAN: Women are so mysterious— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) July 28, 2015
13.
https://twitter.com/aardvarsk/status/908204321069719557
14.
https://twitter.com/BrandonEsWolf/status/898780518988296192
15.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) September 13, 2017