I love tweets. You love tweets. Let’s love some tweets together.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn't even care if I killed someone in front of him.
— Chelsea Lockwood (@Chelsea_Elle) March 10, 2014
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don't like them
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) September 17, 2013
Your serial killer name is your first name + your middle name + your last name
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) April 7, 2017
*adjusts crotch monocle* pic.twitter.com/Ul1P0XsjLk
— Faith Choyce (@faithchoyce) October 9, 2017
*Thom Yorke voice* pic.twitter.com/b89XDhjuv2
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) September 17, 2017
I'm quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi "Maybe Stop Leaf Blowing Everything Into Our Driveway, Brent."
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 29, 2017
Parents in paper towel commercials, your children are monsters. Forget about absorbency and focus on getting your shit together.
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) December 9, 2011
Me, 6 am to 10:30 pm — "I'm so tired."
Me, 11 pm — "I can't sleep."
— Jessie Dean (@NicCageMatch) September 14, 2017
the best la croixs are apricot and michelob ultra
— ceeks (@70Ceeks) October 8, 2017
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
— Brohibition Now (@OhNoSheTwitnt) September 28, 2017
Me: hey man u fall asleep in a tanning bed or what? lmao red ass
Satan: *pulls me aside* you cant talk to me like that in front of everyone
— regluar name (@hippieswordfish) October 20, 2017
Every day, ask yourself: am I closer to my goal of managing a haunted bed and breakfast perched upon a weathered cliff
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) October 12, 2017
If duct-taping a Matchbox Trans Am to one's ear & pretending it's a Bluetooth device is wrong, then maybe – hang on.
I've got to take this.
— Natty Lumpo (@nattylumpo88) July 9, 2014
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn't leave any cash, just a note that says I'VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
— jess (@jessokfine) October 3, 2017
HER: So, are you religious?
FRANKENSTEIN: I'm part Catholic
HER: Oh…your mother or your father?
FRANKENSTEIN: My foot
— Todd 'Papi Birthday' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) October 25, 2017