Mike
I’ve been on twitter for years and it never ceases to amaze me how every week I can find 15 new and amazing tweets to share with you guys.
1.
"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) January 9, 2016
2.
wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife— yabkat (@ohen39) October 25, 2017
3.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do— brent (@murrman5) October 15, 2017
4.
https://twitter.com/d_duhwit/status/924302468619612162
5.
hi i'm flannelbeard, and this is my girlfriend sundressbangs
— Instant Korma (@ElSangito) August 6, 2014
6.
Every woman with curly hair is in a secret cult called "what do you put in it"
— (((Chelsea Frank))) (@ChelseaSFrank) August 3, 2017
7.
hate ppl knocking on my door. in 2016 we have all this technology and u're bangin ur filthy flesh nubs on walls like some kinda cave animal
— Alexis Wilkinson (@OhGodItsAlexis) April 12, 2016
8.
PERSON WHO JUST INVENTED WINDOWS: Check it out.
PERSON WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT CURTAINS: I hate it.
— glam cabal (@themiltron) August 17, 2015
9.
me, 8am: gonna eat healthy today
me, 11:30am: burritos have protein, which is an important food type for fitness
— Retired Zoologist (@SortaBad) November 1, 2017
10.
♫ Hey now
You're a sports car
Put the top down
Go raaace
Hey now
Parallel park
Use your signals
Be saaafe
And I just got a divorce ♫— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) March 4, 2015
11.
Cop burst through every window of my house as I perform the illegal Google search 'teen age mutant ninja turtles with no Shells on '
— regluar name (@hippieswordfish) August 23, 2017
12.
*there's a knock at Tony Hawk's door*
"TRICK OR TREAT"
*Tony's eyes light up*
"a trick eh?"
"sir we just want candy"
"TO THE HALF PIPE"— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) October 31, 2013
13.
I'm not yelling, it's just you claim to love the coneheads movie, yet you own no official merch. I find that interesting. I'm not yelling.
— vineyille (@vineyille) October 11, 2017
14.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
'Hey anyone else think it's weird we make so much batman stuff here'
— Rollman (@Rollmaninoz) September 13, 2017
15.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
— detritus (@Flora__Flora) June 29, 2017