I’ve been on twitter for years and it never ceases to amaze me how every week I can find 15 new and amazing tweets to share with you guys.
"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) January 9, 2016
wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife
— yabkat (@ohen39) October 25, 2017
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
— brent (@murrman5) October 15, 2017
hi i'm flannelbeard, and this is my girlfriend sundressbangs
— Instant Korma (@ElSangito) August 6, 2014
Every woman with curly hair is in a secret cult called "what do you put in it"
— (((Chelsea Frank))) (@ChelseaSFrank) August 3, 2017
hate ppl knocking on my door. in 2016 we have all this technology and u're bangin ur filthy flesh nubs on walls like some kinda cave animal
— Alexis Wilkinson (@OhGodItsAlexis) April 12, 2016
PERSON WHO JUST INVENTED WINDOWS: Check it out.
PERSON WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT CURTAINS: I hate it.
— glam cabal (@themiltron) August 17, 2015
me, 8am: gonna eat healthy today
me, 11:30am: burritos have protein, which is an important food type for fitness
— Retired Zoologist (@SortaBad) November 1, 2017
♫ Hey now
You're a sports car
Put the top down
Use your signals
And I just got a divorce ♫
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) March 4, 2015
Cop burst through every window of my house as I perform the illegal Google search 'teen age mutant ninja turtles with no Shells on '
— regluar name (@hippieswordfish) August 23, 2017
*there's a knock at Tony Hawk's door*
"TRICK OR TREAT"
*Tony's eyes light up*
"a trick eh?"
"sir we just want candy"
"TO THE HALF PIPE"
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) October 31, 2013
I'm not yelling, it's just you claim to love the coneheads movie, yet you own no official merch. I find that interesting. I'm not yelling.
— vineyille (@vineyille) October 11, 2017
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
'Hey anyone else think it's weird we make so much batman stuff here'
— Rollman (@Rollmaninoz) September 13, 2017