Mike
I’ve been on twitter for years and it never ceases to amaze me how every week I can find 15 new and amazing tweets to share with you guys. Enjoy.
1.
wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
me: Yep
wife: What temperature?
me: 534
wife: That's the clock
me
wife
me: 535— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 16, 2017
2.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) May 18, 2013
3.
Money can't buy me love but that's fine. I don't want love. I want money.
— Jake (@dubiousrhetoric) March 5, 2017
4.
The word “muppet” derives from “puppet” mixed with “murderer”
— Dr. Bucky Isotope, why am I here, am I even real? (@BuckyIsotope) November 3, 2017
5.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) November 30, 2013
6.
If you're in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it's unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
— Napcore Influencer (@SortaBad) October 24, 2012
7.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) November 5, 2017
8.
https://twitter.com/abbycohenwl/status/885358032703455233
9.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?— THE Burger King (@ABurgerADay) July 14, 2017
10.
On the one hand people are just animals and should be given a break but on the other hand animals don't slut shame or make dubstep
— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) October 27, 2015
11.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent— ally 𝖌𝖆𝖙𝖔𝖗 🐊🧑🍳🐕🏳️🌈 (@notacroc) November 3, 2017
12.
https://twitter.com/OctopusCaveman/status/906753537916276736
13.
https://twitter.com/eedrk/status/828733532566540288
14.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald's employee: [nervously assuring me] it's all there I swear.
— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) April 3, 2016
15.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
— Annie Hatfield (@AnneHatfieldVO) June 3, 2015