I’ve been on twitter for years and it never ceases to amaze me how every week I can find 15 new and amazing tweets to share with you guys. Enjoy.
wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
wife: What temperature?
wife: That's the clock
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 16, 2017
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) May 18, 2013
Money can't buy me love but that's fine. I don't want love. I want money.
— Jake (@dubiousrhetoric) March 5, 2017
The word “muppet” derives from “puppet” mixed with “murderer”
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) November 3, 2017
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) November 30, 2013
If you're in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it's unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
— Retired Zoologist (@SortaBad) October 24, 2012
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) November 5, 2017
One day I will push this button in the elevator and receive my free fireman hat pic.twitter.com/VEf8biylRH
— Abby "I too would prefer 0 Nazis, thanks" Yep (@abbycohenwl) July 13, 2017
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
— THE Burger King (@ABurgerADay) July 14, 2017
On the one hand people are just animals and should be given a break but on the other hand animals don't slut shame or make dubstep
— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) October 27, 2015
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
— Ally Gator 🐊 (@notacroc) November 3, 2017
At bedtime I told my son "I love you to infinity and beyond." He pointed at the other side of the room and said, "I love you to over there."
— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) September 10, 2017
"living well is the best revenge". yeah but obviously im not gonna do that. whats the second best. cutting their brakes, right
— derek (@eedrk) February 6, 2017
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald's employee: [nervously assuring me] it's all there I swear.
— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) April 3, 2016
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) June 3, 2015