Noah Berman
26.
I feel sorry for my Wife.
If it wasn't for me, everyone would call us a beautiful couple.
— Nicken Drumsticks (@beefman138) November 10, 2017
27.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
— Sara Buckley (@nottheworstmom) November 26, 2017
28.
[facebook]
"5 years ago i married my best friend, my soulmate, i love you"[real life]
"eat all the leftovers again and i will end you"— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 5, 2016
29.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-"
*husband snores*
Me: "I can't live like this."
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2016
30.
Marriage is essentially two people taking turns pushing down the top of the kitchen garbage so they don't have to take it out.
— Ian Mendes (@ian_mendes) May 20, 2016
31.
Text from wife: I'm so sorry, I'm gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this— David Hughes (@david8hughes) November 6, 2016
32.
ME: There's no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) January 18, 2016
33.
Wife: We need milk, eggs, and bread. Write it down.
Me: No need. I'll remember.
[an hour later]
Wife: What did you buy?
Me: A panda.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2016
34.
https://twitter.com/Mr_Kapowski/status/729828577563156480
35.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos?— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 24, 2016
36.
https://twitter.com/MUMSIEesq/status/707184698011680768
37.
Me: I'm exhausted.
Husband: Didn't you take a 2 hour nap?
Me: What do you mean by that?— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) February 16, 2016
38.
https://twitter.com/ashleyaustrew/status/690696435042365440
39.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 9, 2016
40.
Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016
41.
MARRIED SEXT
Her: Is it in?
Him: Not yet
Her: Put it In now!
Him: Ok it's in
Her: And set the timer! Im not eating burnt lasagna again!
— Will Rodgers (@xWILLRODGERSx) May 23, 2016
42.
https://twitter.com/_b1p0larbear/status/791519181581742080
43.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He's getting married, Karen— Floyd (@dafloydsta) August 17, 2016
44.
Wife: Where are you
Me: The store
W: Don't lie to me
M: Wh-
W: I saw the internet history
M: *hangs up* pic.twitter.com/CbhMqKVGkq— Charles Entertainment Cheese (@hardlyrelevant) May 25, 2016
45.
I bet my husband's favorite thing about me is how I don't order anything and then ask for sips of his drink and snatch his french fries.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) September 29, 2016
46.
https://twitter.com/imdaintyaf/status/775132384387698688
47.
https://twitter.com/iwearaonesie/status/732275783696289793
48.
[rolls over in bed and whispers to wife]
"I ate like 75 chicken nuggets today"— rob elliott (@rockymomax) February 16, 2016
49.
https://twitter.com/bourgeoisalien/status/727302111197720576
50.
https://twitter.com/Pro_Jones_/status/686281649709924352