I feel sorry for my Wife.— Nicken Drumsticks (@beefman138) November 10, 2017
If it wasn't for me, everyone would call us a beautiful couple.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*— S A R A B U C K L E Y (@nottheworstmom) November 26, 2017
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[facebook]— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 5, 2016
"5 years ago i married my best friend, my soulmate, i love you"
"eat all the leftovers again and i will end you"
*watching husband sleep*— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2016
Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-"
Me: "I can't live like this."
Marriage is essentially two people taking turns pushing down the top of the kitchen garbage so they don't have to take it out.— Ian Mendes (@ian_mendes) May 20, 2016
Text from wife: I'm so sorry, I'm gonna be about half an hour late— David Hughes (@david8hughes) November 6, 2016
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
ME: There's no i in team but there is one in pizza— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) January 18, 2016
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Wife: We need milk, eggs, and bread. Write it down.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2016
Me: No need. I'll remember.
[an hour later]
Wife: What did you buy?
Me: A panda.
"I was just about to do that chore that I see you're starting now"— The Nutzacker (@Mr_Kapowski) May 10, 2016
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 24, 2016
me: Are we - stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos?
My husband just texted me from the bathroom and asked me to bring him "A LOT more toilet paper," so yeah, the romance ain't dead people.— hannahannahannah (@MUMSIEesq) March 8, 2016
Me: I'm exhausted.— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) February 16, 2016
Husband: Didn't you take a 2 hour nap?
Me: What do you mean by that?
Just put on fancy socks and a night shirt with no food stains so I can try to seduce my husband later.— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) January 23, 2016
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 9, 2016
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016
MARRIED SEXT— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) May 23, 2016
Her: Is it in?
Him: Not yet
Her: Put it In now!
Him: Ok it's in
Her: And set the timer! Im not eating burnt lasagna again!
I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on.— Вïҏѳѩг Вєѧг ✪ (@_b1p0larbear) October 27, 2016
Then I dropped it onto her nose.
She's awake now.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff— Floyd is woke (@dafloydsta) August 17, 2016
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He's getting married, Karen
Wife: Where are you— Hip Dad Online (@hardlyrelevant) May 25, 2016
Me: The store
W: Don't lie to me
W: I saw the internet history
M: *hangs up* pic.twitter.com/CbhMqKVGkq
I bet my husband's favorite thing about me is how I don't order anything and then ask for sips of his drink and snatch his french fries.— Mommy Christmases (@mommy_cusses) September 29, 2016
Husband: I love you.— Flannery (@imdaintyaf) September 12, 2016
Me: *eating a potato chip really loudly* You should. I'm a goddamn miracle.
Before I got married I didn't realize "What do you want to watch?" was a rhetorical question— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 16, 2016
[rolls over in bed and whispers to wife]— rob elliott (@rockymomax) February 16, 2016
"I ate like 75 chicken nuggets today"
Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.— beth hates Pai, so (@bourgeoisalien) May 3, 2016
(Wedding)— Mostly AFK Bice (@Pro_Jones_) January 10, 2016
Priest: They've written their vows
Wife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount