Mike
I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lot’s of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to read this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
1.
Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.
— Alexa Kocinski (@TheWoodenslurpy) July 17, 2015
2.
Daily reminder that everyone around you is going through some type of struggle and you should find out what it is and use it against them.
— Fenton Null (@UNDEADTRESOR) September 16, 2016
3.
Shoot for the moon. If you miss, here's a gentle reminder that the moon's diameter is 3,475km and you could not have fucked this up more
— Rads (@FeelingEuphoric) April 8, 2015
4.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says "By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog." You look down. It's true.
— ♥ mark ♥ (@markedly) February 9, 2018
5.
Hi nice to meet you. Let's squeeze each other's hands a little.
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) August 3, 2014
6.
Don't take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) September 22, 2011
7.
What do you mean, "I need space," are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 7, 2015
8.
People on Facebook sure do have children
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) August 24, 2015
9.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically— Hi, it's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) October 23, 2017
10.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
— ristolable (@ristolable) June 10, 2014
11.
Please remain seated until we've reached the gate, then feel free to stand hunched over weirdly sideways for 15 minutes while we do whatever
— ohWell (@contriteperson) December 23, 2014
12.
Apparently “a terrible unformed darkness seething inside me” is not a good enough reason to call in sick
— Musky Lozenge ☣️ (@LostCatDog) January 27, 2018
13.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) August 7, 2013
14.
me: hi i need a cheaper plan
[Time Warner Cable puts hand over phone] this dude wants to save money
[in the background] tell him to fuck off— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) August 22, 2015