I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lot’s of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to read this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.
— Ughhhlexa 🐼 (@TheWoodenslurpy) July 17, 2015
Daily reminder that everyone around you is going through some type of struggle and you should find out what it is and use it against them.
— Brandon (@UNDEADTRESOR) September 16, 2016
Shoot for the moon. If you miss, here's a gentle reminder that the moon's diameter is 3,475km and you could not have fucked this up more
— Rads (@FeelingEuphoric) April 8, 2015
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says "By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog." You look down. It's true.
— Mark Magark (@markedly) February 9, 2018
Hi nice to meet you. Let's squeeze each other's hands a little.
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) August 3, 2014
Don't take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) September 22, 2011
What do you mean, "I need space," are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 7, 2015
People on Facebook sure do have children
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) August 24, 2015
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
— Hi, it's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) October 23, 2017
Sorry I missed your call earlier today. I was sitting on the couch with the phone in my hand watching it ring
— Dean (@deankarrier) November 28, 2017
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
— Ristolable (@Ristolable) June 10, 2014
Please remain seated until we've reached the gate, then feel free to stand hunched over weirdly sideways for 15 minutes while we do whatever
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) December 23, 2014
Apparently “a terrible unformed darkness seething inside me” is not a good enough reason to call in sick
— Lozenge🚽™ (@LostCatDog) January 27, 2018
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) August 7, 2013
me: hi i need a cheaper plan
[Time Warner Cable puts hand over phone] this dude wants to save money
[in the background] tell him to fuck off
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) August 22, 2015