I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lot’s of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to read this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
I don’t like calling it a “dad bod.” I prefer “father figure.”
— Josh Radnor (@JoshRadnor) February 28, 2018
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
— maura quint (@behindyourback) October 2, 2015
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
— A girl has no name (@This_is_a_dm) March 1, 2018
I told my niece to eat half my grapes 😢😢😢😢😢😢 pic.twitter.com/0vR9XpW0n3
— Nonhlanhla T (@Nhla2_Savage) February 28, 2018
if four Canadians arrive at a 4-way stop at the same time they will all eventually die there
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) February 27, 2018
The Girl Scout down the block just brought us three boxes of Trefoils because she filled out the form wrong. This is my super-villain origin story.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) February 27, 2018
Your serial killer name is your first name + your middle name + your last name
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) April 7, 2017
Just sayin', sweater vests are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between sweaters and vests.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) February 27, 2018
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
— Hi, it's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) February 21, 2018
From the makers of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter™, Introducing:
-It Might Be Bread
-Let's Just Say It's Cream Cheese
-It Almost Tastes Like Jam
-Sure, it's "Maple Syrup"
-Smells A Bit Like Eggs
— Tinker Elle (@elle91) February 24, 2018
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He's the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
— And He Joked Again & Again & Again (@AndyJokedAgain) February 13, 2018
daily self-affirmation pic.twitter.com/AKbg81Ahqm
— amy brown (@arb) July 10, 2017
Having a kid sounds stressful like how do you make sure they have just enough childhood trauma that they’ll turn out funny
— Michaela Okla (@MichaelaOkla) January 3, 2018
I wish my boobs were bigger so people would stop making eye contact with me.
— CeCe Pleasants (@CeCePleasants) February 28, 2015
U ever think wow I try so hard to be famous and then emojis get their own movie?
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) February 27, 2018