I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lot’s of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to read this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
I like to think that if I swipe left hard enough on tinder it'll kill the guy
— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) April 9, 2016
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: "am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god"
me: [hands it back] "very interesting"
— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) April 21, 2016
Hey baby I hear the blues a-callin' pic.twitter.com/yKSDR1TaPM
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) February 8, 2018
When life gives you lemons – and as long as life has also given you clean water, granulated sugar & cooking facilities – make lemonade. If not looks like you're just gonna have to eat a raw fuckin lemon dickhead.
— Joe Lycett (@joelycett) January 7, 2018
I just want to thank all those who've destroyed me into the person i am today
— emma magenta (@BrainPornNinja) April 24, 2016
Millenials. Walking around like they rent the place.
— Spence (@SpenceDen) January 3, 2018
Please stop calling this your "journey" Linda. You are selling leggings on Facebook
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) November 3, 2016
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
— THE Burger King (@ABurgerADay) July 14, 2017
*stuffs fortune back into cookie*
This is wrong.
— Concrete blond (@Super_Cynthia) July 17, 2015
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
— SpookySandwich Can we all agree Nazis are bad? (@MarisaLange) November 19, 2014
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
— Mark Magark (@markedly) December 2, 2017
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
— brent (@murrman5) November 24, 2014
Me: hey man u fall asleep in a tanning bed or what? lmao red ass
Satan: *pulls me aside* you cant talk to me like that in front of everyone
— Mr baby (@hippieswordfish) October 20, 2017
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that's why we're here
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 25, 2015
wife: I am having an affair
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well
— yabkat (@ohen39) July 20, 2017