Mike
I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lot’s of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to read this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
1.
I don't get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* "your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps"
— brent (@murrman5) July 23, 2015
2.
https://twitter.com/Manglewood/status/963963696665038848
3.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say "Uh Oh Spaghetti O's" when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O's— Good Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) February 10, 2016
4.
why was there always one kid in middle school who had a shirt that said “pain is just weakness leaving the body” lmao chill out man we’re in 7th grade
— eric curtin (@dubstep4dads) March 7, 2018
5.
https://twitter.com/NicCageMatch/status/971444872988291077
6.
having a gender reveal party tomorrow for the hamster i just got at petco. nothin crazy just gonna flip it over and see if it has a dick or whatever
— eric curtin (@_ericcurtin) January 27, 2018
7.
https://twitter.com/leifromloihi/status/704044144327565312
8.
https://twitter.com/vineyille/status/580036338164039681
9.
https://twitter.com/TheDairylandDon/status/241427626449838080
10.
everyone shits on the midwest but forgets that they invented having an extra refrigerator in the garage
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) March 8, 2018
11.
14: when I'm older, I'm going to be married and so happy
27: I wonder if I could do heroin just once & not do it again, I could be that guy— christian (@nopoweradeinusa) October 11, 2017
12.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it— Dr. Bucky Isotope, why am I here, am I even real? (@BuckyIsotope) March 4, 2018
13.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
— Shenanigans (@Shenanigans_luv) March 1, 2018