I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lot’s of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to read this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it's not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) February 2, 2018
I don't get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* "your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps"
— brent (@murrman5) July 23, 2015
Thoughts and prayers: the air guitar of helping.
— Molly Hodgdon (@Manglewood) February 15, 2018
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say "Uh Oh Spaghetti O's" when things go wrong?
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O's
— Bad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) February 10, 2016
why was there always one kid in middle school who had a shirt that said “pain is just weakness leaving the body” lmao chill out man we’re in 7th grade
— eric turtle (@dubstep4dads) March 7, 2018
Really looking forward to the all-cat reboot of Jiro Dreams of Sushi pic.twitter.com/ZQ10tereBb
— 𝕁𝕖𝕤𝕤𝕚𝕖 𝔻𝕖𝕒𝕟 (@NicCageMatch) March 7, 2018
no no no i wasn't clapping for you, i was giving myself a bunch of high fives…you sucked actually
— faith based Gamer (@hippieswordfish) June 5, 2016
having a gender reveal party tomorrow for the hamster i just got at petco. nothin crazy just gonna flip it over and see if it has a dick or whatever
— ԼƖԼ ƁƠƬƬƠMƬЄҲƬ (@_ericcurtin) January 27, 2018
it all began because bustin made me feel good. but now i'm bustin to feel normal. bustin to feel anything at all.
— ℒℯἶ (@leifromloihi) February 28, 2016
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That's Chappie
— vineyille (@vineyille) March 23, 2015
If you wear a ship's captain's hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
— Don Nichols (@TheDairylandDon) August 31, 2012
everyone shits on the midwest but forgets that they invented having an extra refrigerator in the garage
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) March 8, 2018
14: when I'm older, I'm going to be married and so happy
27: I wonder if I could do heroin just once & not do it again, I could be that guy
— christian (@nopoweradeinusa) October 11, 2017
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) March 4, 2018
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
— A girl has no name (@This_is_a_dm) March 1, 2018