Remember when you were 7 years old and all someone had to do was say the word “fart” to make you laugh for the rest of the day? Those were good times. Now you have to be an adult. You have to pretend everything is very serious and farts are gross. Poop is unsanitary and shouldn’t be discussed. The only place for pee is in the potty, but you don’t call it that because you’re a grownup. Only the immature laugh at such things.
Congratulations. This post is your safe place. Let 7 year old you take the wheel for a while. Trade in your polite chuckle for a honest giggle. I promise once you’re done reading these you can go back to doing your taxes or whatever very mature activity you were responsibly engaging in.
When i try to do a silent fart in class and it starts coming out slow and high pitched pic.twitter.com/HF4acfdf8B
— james (@anuscosgrove) March 9, 2016
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
— deg (@degg) October 13, 2013
I always opt for using the hand dryer instead of paper towels for those people waiting to fart in bathroom stalls. You’re welcome.
— ⋙⋙🏔koko 🌊⋘⋘ (@koukooonei) November 24, 2015
WIFE: I think this place is haunted.
ME: (trying to find something to blame my fart on) Sure smells haunted.
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) July 8, 2017
I have so much butt hair my diarrhea comes out as filtered drinking water.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) November 2, 2015
When you’re around your crush but you gotta fart real bad pic.twitter.com/wrO3gFtzwV
— P (@paisleythi) March 8, 2016
When you give your cat his diarrhea medicine without any problems pic.twitter.com/ayUHJFtMhK
— jonathan senderblock (@senderblock23) April 24, 2015
i can’t believe steve jobs created the mute button on facetime audio so you could fart really loud while your friend keeps talking
— brett (@lomehli) February 19, 2016
I’d like to solve the puzzle?
WATCHING. MY. DENTIST. PEE. ONLINE. pic.twitter.com/8Re5iPdwHb
— Seanbaby (@Seanbabydotcom) June 28, 2017
Guys Who Slightly lift Their Butt To Fart in Public While Seated… WE CAN SEE YOU!
— Nick Njacy (@nick_JASSY) February 16, 2016
how doodoo be lookin when you tryin not to shit yourself in public but it still be tryin to come out any way pic.twitter.com/DRE3vh01b4
— THOTs and Prayers (@brownlashon) July 6, 2017
that moment your friends sniff that smelly fart. pic.twitter.com/zBdg71nZ5S
— Ryan Magee (@elirymagee) March 3, 2016
at a urinal, i not only pull my pants all the way down but actually remove them completely & hand them to the guy behind me for safekeeping
— Lou Read (@Jheri_Seinfeld) September 16, 2015
moron: “duhh, i hate taco bell, every time i go there i get diarrhea”
me: try getting tacos instead, genius
— Mike F (@mikefossey) February 15, 2015
My butt crack hair. Like a wig stuffed between the sofa cushions. The vertical mustache. A dense, dark jungle where light never breaks the canopy and the animals walk right up to you because they’ve never seen people before. Wow you read all of that. Gross. But thanks, I guess.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) November 9, 2017
How much can this one swallow?
sir that one does 1.6 gallons per flush and please stop describing it that way
— John O’Connor (@johntoconnor) July 21, 2014
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
— chuuch (@ch000ch) April 11, 2014
Yeah, I’m an ALPHA MALE:
A – ttentive
L – istener with a
P – ositive and
H – ealthy
A – ttitude and
M – y
A – sshole
L – eaks
E – diarrhea
— Teenage Stepdad (@TeenageStepdad) July 2, 2017
welcome to the bathroom
— bathroom (@bathroom) September 12, 2007
When you’re out and you find a clean toilet when diarrhea starts. pic.twitter.com/EIKlKpdtSM
— Samuel Philip (@The_improviser) July 9, 2017
its true. each cow’s udder has one teat that will shoot piss instead of milk and ruin the whole batch. they call it the Farmer’s Gamble
— wint (@dril) November 19, 2013
This picture of an anthropomorphic intestine holding its own ass is the only art I care for. pic.twitter.com/iE5NSfRpbJ
— Pjörk 🐷 (@NicoleConlan) December 13, 2015
“What the heck I haven’t eaten blood in weeks”
— Elvish Presley® (@_ElvishPresley_) May 24, 2016
HEALTH TIP: when you fart, stop the spread of germs by farting into the crook of your arm
— Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) January 10, 2017
The perfect crime: fart into someone else’s butt
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) September 11, 2015
Fave Adam Sandler movie is either Diarrhea Mailman (a man must deliver all the town’s mail before shitting his pants),or Diarrhea Mailman 2
— derek (@eedrk) June 6, 2016
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
— For sale: Baby shoes. Never Worn. (Baby is dead.) (@LHGarrett) May 17, 2014
Ladies, you got $5 to build your perfect man, wyd?
$3 Crippling IBS
$2 Won’t Shut Up About the IBS
— Saxy Gremlin (@dudethings4guys) January 16, 2017
I’m doing GREAT
G – Generally
R – Regretting all this
E – Excessive
A – Anxiety diarrhea
T- That i have
— erin chack (@ErinChack) May 13, 2017
wife hopped in the shower with me as a sexy surprise… except she caught me, you know…. taking a shit in there
— deg (@degg) June 15, 2017
yeah i may have to pee sitting down but that doesnt mean i cant poop standing up
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) June 25, 2016
do vampires poop? all u do is drink blood??? u peein a lot dracula?
— Amir Khan (@AmirismyBFF) June 20, 2016
A bottle washes onto the shore. There’s a note inside. You pick it up and pull the cork. Aged fart fills your nose. The note says “LOL”
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) September 24, 2015
It’s important to conserve water but u SHOULD keep flushing until u feel confident your poop is in the ocean
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) August 6, 2016
If yr nervous about farting in yoga just remember: that could happen to anyone. The part that takes true serenity is letting out a tiny poop
— Hallie Cantor (@halliecantor) February 2, 2016
Casual Friday is the BEST! Who likes washing their hands after going to the bathroom?!
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) December 21, 2010
Jack in the Box tacos aren’t tacos. They’re more like a wet envelope of cat food. When you eat them you’re just mailing yourself diarrhea.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) October 22, 2016
Im uploading a fart onto the dark web
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) December 4, 2017
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 31, 2014
Ten years after my death, my best friend finally opens the package I left him in my will. He’s confused by the empty box. He wonders if there’s been a mistake. Then, he smells the fart.
Laughing, my ghost can now rest in peace.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) February 18, 2018
Diarrhea. The green apple splatters. Booty sneezes. # 1 from # 2. I scared the squid. Get the wet nurse, I’m having a natural water birth.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) February 22, 2016
.@Harvard I bought a crimson Harvard t-shirt and unless you pay me $50 I’m going to wear it to the mall and pee my pants
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) September 7, 2015