Mike
Most of us are lucky if we write a handful of tweets in our entire lifetime that anyone thinks are funny. It’s pretty hard to do. That’s why @DanMentos is so amazing. Day after day, year after year, he keeps cranking out top shelf tweets. I’ve been following Dan since day 1 on twitter and he’s still my go-to account when I need a laugh. Now that I’ve introduced him, I hope he’ll be the same for you. Here are some of the all-time best tweets from @DanMentos.
35.
wife: when do we sign the birth certificate
me: I took care of it. get some sleep
(doctor walks in) and how is little (looks at chart) Vape— dan mentos (@DanMentos) October 19, 2016
34.
1914 guy with plaid flannel & big beard: I’m a logger
2014 guy with plaid flannel & big beard: I’m a blogger— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 8, 2014
33.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”— dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 24, 2014
32.
Boston Market recently changed their name to Boston MARKET, a move that increased their market capitalization by 500%
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 22, 2014
31.
[noah loading ark]
“cows? check, goats? check”
*llama walks up*
“I already have llamas”
I’m an… alpaca. it’s a different thing
“ok whatever”— dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 16, 2014
30.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler— dan mentos (@DanMentos) May 11, 2015
29.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 5, 2017
28.
cool socks but sad that they have to kill the dog pic.twitter.com/EeYOErCeOK
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 8, 2017
27.
someone call Lou Bega, this followup hit writes itself pic.twitter.com/hYP9Uw3Hg4
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) January 23, 2018
26.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA— dan mentos (@DanMentos) June 2, 2015
25.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?— dan mentos (@DanMentos) February 4, 2015
24.
*spends 10 minutes rearranging dishwasher so I can fit the last bowl in*
*sees another bowl in sink*
*looks around*
*puts bowl in trash can*— dan mentos (@DanMentos) July 17, 2015
23.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”— dan mentos (@DanMentos) February 13, 2015
22.
thank you, Business Insider, for putting things in terms I can understand pic.twitter.com/Lq56u6Ejj8
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 6, 2015
21.
mom: *gives birth to me*
doctor: you’re better than this— dan mentos (@DanMentos) July 31, 2016
20.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) January 22, 2015
19.
I could never attend The World’s Fair because it isn’t.
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) January 24, 2014
18.
[batman watching batman movie]
*batman voice* do I really sound like that— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 16, 2014
17.
“Sir you have an outstanding balance”
Thank you so much— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 10, 2014
16.
“I don’t think you understand how words work”
What? Hell, I overstand how words work— dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 3, 2014
15.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 23, 2015
14.
4yo: is grover cookie monster’s dad?
me: holy shit— dan mentos (@DanMentos) October 16, 2015
13.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) February 6, 2018
12.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”— dan mentos (@DanMentos) October 2, 2015
11.
*airplane makes really loud noise*
*pilot on intercom* what the fuck was that— dan mentos (@DanMentos) January 16, 2015
10.
his palms are sweaty
knees weak
arms are heavy
there’s pic.twitter.com/wTjpK19Kub— dan mentos (@DanMentos) March 24, 2016
9.
[introducing girlfriend to my family]
me: this is my girlfriend janine
janine: hi
wife: what the fuck— dan mentos (@DanMentos) August 11, 2016
8.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 24, 2014
7.
[last supper]
Jesus: *raising chalice* let us sup
Judas: what’s sup?
Jesus: Not much what’s up with you lmao
Judas: this is the last straw— dan mentos (@DanMentos) March 7, 2016
6.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”— dan mentos (@DanMentos) May 4, 2015
5.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god— dan mentos (@DanMentos) February 25, 2016
4.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist— dan mentos (@DanMentos) April 28, 2015
3.
This is genius. The school shooters will see a guy with three arms and freak the fuck out pic.twitter.com/jqc9BmioJZ
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) February 19, 2018
2.
you (simple, moronic, doltish): reading popular fiction
me (complex, shrewd, percipient): reading a thesaurus— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 1, 2016
1.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 18, 2017