Mike
I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lot’s of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to visit this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
35.
I continue to be taunted by my grandfather's killer pic.twitter.com/YRVQvjcP7U
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) October 15, 2013
34.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
— Amanda Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) August 18, 2013
33.
i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: WOMEN belong in the KITCHEN, helping ME get my HAND out of the GARBAGE DISPOSAL
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) March 8, 2018
32.
I want a gym where they let you push big appliances off a cliff
— sam (@cool_yeah_ok) July 6, 2012
31.
https://twitter.com/d_haggar/status/972958131742322689
30.
https://twitter.com/FeralCrone/status/971874989623382016
29.
https://twitter.com/NicCageMatch/status/546670196455661568
28.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) March 27, 2012
27.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) March 8, 2018
26.
I don’t like calling it a “dad bod.” I prefer “father figure.”
— Josh Radnor (@JoshRadnor) February 28, 2018
25.
Lean in to insomnia by counting the people you've hurt & disappointed. Imagine them jumping sheeplike over a fence, still furious.
— Eileen Curtright (@eileencurtright) July 4, 2016
24.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
— jess (retired) (@jessokfine) March 8, 2018
23.
When someone says "women like you" to me, I assume they're referring to extremely powerful wizards.
— jess (retired) (@jessokfine) June 8, 2016
22.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) March 7, 2018
21.
When you see a low income neighborhood that could use a coffee shop and some citi bikes pic.twitter.com/aY9zqJsle1
— Anthony Moore (@AllThatandMoore) March 1, 2018
20.
Sing us a song, you're the Piano Man
The wretched creature lumbered slowly, painfully to the stage, his legs trembling under the nearly unbearable weight of hundreds of high-carbon steel piano wires and all those ivory keys and began to wail an awful tune of misery— Raymz (@nraymz) March 1, 2018
19.
https://twitter.com/msgwenl/status/967185407136993280
18.
Willem Dafoe vs. Willem Dafriend (I’ll see myself out) pic.twitter.com/o48BDHjI5u
— [kie.ran] (@danblackroyd) February 24, 2018
17.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life— Hi, I'm Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) February 21, 2018
16.
My eyes are getting weaker with age, which is a sign of my superior brain expanding and pushing down excessively on the eyeball pistons.
— Duchess Goldblatt (@duchessgoldblat) February 20, 2018
15.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART: pic.twitter.com/1GZN0ieahU— bornmiserable.bsky.social (@bornmiserable) January 28, 2018
14.
https://twitter.com/warmyellowlight/status/507215469061750784
13.
https://twitter.com/rachelle_mandik/status/965288272657371136
12.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
— Witch Hazel (@wit_haze) January 28, 2017
11.
Virgo: People may find you exhausting, but great hair and a loud voice have gotten a lot of otherwise unremarkable people pretty far, so…yeah.
— Sorrow-scopes (@Sorrowscopes) February 13, 2018
10.
https://twitter.com/Gooooats/status/963060472432898048
9.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.— Pete Mandik (@petemandik) April 11, 2016
8.
https://twitter.com/JoParkerBear/status/816505831374155776
7.
https://twitter.com/liv_thatsme/status/881310218847703040
6.
(Breaks car window to save a dog)
Guy: I'm in the car!
Me: Yeah but it's hot
Him: The AC is on!
Me: Can I get in? It's really hot out here.— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) October 19, 2016
5.
https://twitter.com/liv_thatsme/status/950482145516113922
4.
This gal's killin it with her CVS receipt. pic.twitter.com/9YwxHBhaSX
— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) March 13, 2018
3.
My emotions™️
7am: Today I’ll be more positive
10am: I hate my job, the sun and myself
Lunch: ok I think I overreacted
5pm: another stupid day is over
8pm: if I get enough sleep I’ll be fine
12am: [crying] I hope aliens destroy earth— Serg (@bonehugsnirony) February 28, 2018
2.
https://twitter.com/Staggfilms/status/972852419964080128
1.
"I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped
— Steven W Skinner (@SkinnerSteven) April 7, 2014