I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lot’s of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to visit this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
35.
I continue to be taunted by my grandfather's killer pic.twitter.com/YRVQvjcP7U
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) October 15, 2013
34.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) August 18, 2013
33.
i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: WOMEN belong in the KITCHEN, helping ME get my HAND out of the GARBAGE DISPOSAL
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) March 8, 2018
32.
I want a gym where they let you push big appliances off a cliff
— Sam (@cool_yeah_ok) July 6, 2012
31.
"This book changed my life."
–your most insane friend— Daley Haggar (@d_haggar) March 11, 2018
30.
I asked my 7 year old what his dream job would be and he said “Ideally, I’d like to be retired.”
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) March 8, 2018
29.
7 Stages of Grief:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
6. Acceptance Speech
7. Afterparty— Jessie Dean (@NicCageMatch) December 21, 2014
28.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) March 27, 2012
27.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) March 8, 2018
26.
I don’t like calling it a “dad bod.” I prefer “father figure.”
— Josh Radnor (@JoshRadnor) February 28, 2018
25.
Lean in to insomnia by counting the people you've hurt & disappointed. Imagine them jumping sheeplike over a fence, still furious.
— Eileen Curtright (@eileencurtright) July 4, 2016
24.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
— jess a brambles company ⚪️ (@jessokfine) March 8, 2018
23.
When someone says "women like you" to me, I assume they're referring to extremely powerful wizards.
— jess a brambles company ⚪️ (@jessokfine) June 8, 2016
22.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.— Jackie (@jackiembouvier) March 7, 2018
21.
When you see a low income neighborhood that could use a coffee shop and some citi bikes pic.twitter.com/aY9zqJsle1
— Anthony Moore (@AllThatandMoore) March 1, 2018
20.
Sing us a song, you're the Piano Man
The wretched creature lumbered slowly, painfully to the stage, his legs trembling under the nearly unbearable weight of hundreds of high-carbon steel piano wires and all those ivory keys and began to wail an awful tune of misery— ray (@nraymz) March 1, 2018
19.
This bird wrote you a song & it really means a lot to him. pic.twitter.com/Kw4tDmmv9u
— Just Gwen (@msgwenl) February 23, 2018
18.
Willem Dafoe vs. Willem Dafriend (I’ll see myself out) pic.twitter.com/o48BDHjI5u
— [kie.ran] (@danblackroyd) February 24, 2018
17.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life— Hi, it's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) February 21, 2018
16.
My eyes are getting weaker with age, which is a sign of my superior brain expanding and pushing down excessively on the eyeball pistons.
— Duchess Goldblatt (@duchessgoldblat) February 20, 2018
15.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART: pic.twitter.com/1GZN0ieahU— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) January 28, 2018
14.
do people who have wind chimes know that not having wind chimes is also an option
— ωαг๓ץєɭɭσωℓιﻭнт (@warmyellowlight) September 3, 2014
13.
me: is the hippocratic oath really all that's keeping doctors from hurting or killing us on purpose?
waiter: questions about the menu, i mean.— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) February 18, 2018
12.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
— Witch Hazel (@wit_haze) January 28, 2017
11.
Virgo: People may find you exhausting, but great hair and a loud voice have gotten a lot of otherwise unremarkable people pretty far, so…yeah.
— Sorrow-scopes (@Sorrowscopes) February 13, 2018
10.
I slipped and fell on the ice and instead of laughing everyone gasped and seemed very concerned for me so I guess I’m old now.
— Goats? (@Gooooats) February 12, 2018
9.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.— Pete Mandik (@petemandik) April 11, 2016
8.
Friends: Welcome! It's so good to see you! Make yourself at home.
Me: *puts on pajamas and starts crying— Dr. Brosephine Wires MD (@JoParkerBear) January 4, 2017
7.
I always police knock on people's doors; that way, in case they're disappointed to see me, at least now they're relieved I'm not the cops.
— i liv. (@liv_thatsme) July 2, 2017
6.
(Breaks car window to save a dog)
Guy: I'm in the car!
Me: Yeah but it's hot
Him: The AC is on!
Me: Can I get in? It's really hot out here.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) October 19, 2016
5.
I'm an inney, not an outey. And by that, I mean I hate camping.
— i liv. (@liv_thatsme) January 8, 2018
4.
This gal's killin it with her CVS receipt. pic.twitter.com/9YwxHBhaSX
— Quarantine Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) March 13, 2018
3.
My emotions™️
7am: Today I’ll be more positive
10am: I hate my job, the sun and myself
Lunch: ok I think I overreacted
5pm: another stupid day is over
8pm: if I get enough sleep I’ll be fine
12am: [crying] I hope aliens destroy earth— meh (@bonehugsnirony) February 28, 2018
2.
SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.
— Justin Staggs Ⓥ (@Staggfilms) March 11, 2018
1.
"I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped
— Steven W Skinner (@SkinnerSteven) April 7, 2014