I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lot’s of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to visit this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You're free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
— Hi, it's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) February 15, 2015
I like my water like I like my emotions…bottled.
— Greg (@GrowlyGrego) March 27, 2018
We're all so addicted to our phones until it actually rings.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) November 19, 2017
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
— Gender Stratocaster (@mattytalks) April 15, 2014
look for bugs or don't. Whatever pic.twitter.com/7CeRDO0tdL
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) June 5, 2017
My coworker who believes Jesus Christ was the immaculately conceived son of God who rose from the dead can't believe it's Monday already.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 9, 2015
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) September 27, 2017
If your blind child is 9 feet tall, we’re here to help pic.twitter.com/hsjM0RkMjR
— Professional Arborist (@SortaBad) March 11, 2018
Always be yourself.
A little less
A little less
There you go.
— Tinker Elle (@elle91) February 4, 2015
The canary looked up from the cage where it had pretended to die. The last of the miners had fled. Fools. The sweet, sweet coal was all his.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) October 3, 2013
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
— Musty Lozenge 🚽™ (@LostCatDog) March 26, 2013
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
— RM (@dorsalstream) March 20, 2018
Being diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder doesn't count if you're like ten times smarter and sexier than your therapist.
— Gladstone (@WGladstone) January 20, 2016
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It's like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
— beth, an alien (@bourgeoisalien) September 26, 2015
when your mom is late picking you up from Starfish Club pic.twitter.com/WXhrqJUtXY
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) April 3, 2017