I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lot’s of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to visit this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
15.
From experience as a lonely teenage boy, it's important to remember:
1) nobody is required to have sex with you
2) sex shouldn't define who you are
3) don't write a 5-page vampire poem to ask out a girl who isn't interested in vampires because IT WILL NOT WORK
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) April 26, 2018
14.
remember when the bad luck brian meme lasted us from 2012-2015? remember in 2016 when we had one viral meme a month? remember last week when we had a viral spongebob meme an hour
— giabuchi (@jaboukie) April 10, 2018
13.
computer, show me what it would be like if dennis the menace and mr. wilson switched bodies pic.twitter.com/EyAx563nO2
— jake currie (@jakecurrie) September 15, 2017
12.
me
○ the myth promulgated by
く|)へ Pliny the Elder that
〉 ostriches stick their head in
 ̄ ̄┗┓ the sand when they're scared
┗┓ ヾ○シ
┗┓ ヘ/
┗┓ノ
┗┓— ohWell (@contriteperson) April 26, 2018
11.
Me: I have dragon energy.
My psychiatrist: You have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.— Sarah (@thetigersez) April 25, 2018
10.
WHERE MY PEOPLE IN THE CLUB WHO HAD A VERY DIFFERENT EXPECTATION OF HOW THEIR LIFE WAS GOING TO BE BY THIS POINT
— maura quint (@behindyourback) October 15, 2016
9.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. "It's so bloated and grotesque" says one. "He only fell in a minute ago" says another
— john (@mrjohndarby) October 22, 2017
8.
My review of our solar system: 1 star.
— ianabramson (@ianabramson) April 23, 2018
7.
why does this cat look like he just ordered the execution of 800 serfs pic.twitter.com/l5PeJFerAg
— Official Ted Kaczynski VEVO (@nachdermas) April 21, 2018
6.
My neighbor’s dog is online again pic.twitter.com/n2TnVehIhC
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) April 13, 2018
5.
[bar]
BARTENDER: why the long face
SALVADOR DALI CLOCK: [gets up] I don’t need this— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) April 9, 2018
4.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it's mine*— Ray (reluctantly) (@SirEviscerate) March 25, 2016
3.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
— ♥ mark ♥ (@markedly) April 4, 2018
2.
Yes, finally a swimsuit that allows me to sneak a ham poolside. pic.twitter.com/LHN2RP1UNx
— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) May 29, 2017
1.
For sale — baby shoes, never worn. I vastly misjudged the size of my feet.
— summer goth 🦇 (@NicCageMatch) January 16, 2018