Mike
I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lot’s of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to visit this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
15.
hello, 911, i accidentally stepped on my cat's foot and i want you to throw me in prison for that
— SungWon Cho (@ProZD) March 16, 2018
14.
I’ve hit 2 deer in a month while commuting to work and my boss thought it would be funny to put this on my back up camera in the rental car I’m driving.
— Paxton Biggs (@PaxBiggs) March 13, 2018
I nearly pooed myself pic.twitter.com/VvUCXFCd7s
13.
https://twitter.com/sogodly_/status/974136254966190080
12.
One of my favorite games to play is “is my headache from dehydration, caffeine withdrawal, lack of proper nutrition, my ponytail, stress, lack of sleep, not wearing my glasses or brain tumor?”
— parker (Taylor’s Version) (@pmilbs_) March 15, 2018
11.
does anyone remember when lol meant “laughing out loud” instead of “this is to indicate that this brief text isnt hostile”
— common sad girl (@sadgirlkms) February 19, 2018
10.
https://twitter.com/vineyille/status/991509327734288384
9.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
— rachel axler (@rachelaxler) May 1, 2018
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
8.
https://twitter.com/Ygrene/status/903794591371071488
7.
https://twitter.com/Barknado69/status/992196955425165312
6.
One time someone told my husband he reminded them of Ray Romano and he moped about it for a week which ironically made him seem a lot more like Ray Romano
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) May 3, 2018
5.
https://twitter.com/prufrockluvsong/status/991671183820148736
4.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
— marf (@MarfSalvador) May 3, 2018
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
3.
Date: so tell me about yourself
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) March 18, 2018
Me: [remembering to be mysterious] no
2.
https://twitter.com/rolldiggity/status/528215605644505090
1.
HACKER: (looking through my computer) How many times can this guy search "nude Grimace," he's already naked.
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) May 11, 2016