I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lots of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to visit this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what's this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector's eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) October 15, 2015
baby boomers love to talk shit like their biggest problem growing up wasn’t accidentally starting to float toward a pie left on an open windowsill
— lil arab (@maybetomhanks) April 21, 2018
A man just walked up to the return counter at the Container Store in Chelsea with five overflowing Bed Bath and Beyond bags, set them down, realized where he was, and screamed “FUCK”
— Joe Bernstein (@Bernstein) May 7, 2018
andy samberg looks like he was raised by golden retrievers. it’s good
— kimmy (@ka_waltz) April 15, 2018
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
— Gretchen von Tongeln (@Metalligretch) June 15, 2017
My ideal career at this point is to be the over-educated recluse that the government reluctantly calls after we’ve made first contact.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) May 7, 2018
[me] goodnight moon
[moon] how do you have this number
— Nate Shenk (@shenkitup) October 28, 2014
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase "really going to town" in sex scenes
— normal account (@popespeed) April 15, 2018
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
— the library haunter 🦉 (@SketchesbyBoze) May 7, 2018
them: have a good day
me: okay but how
— millercycle (@millercycle) May 3, 2018
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage at concerts to get my bra back.
— flamingo poet (@flamingo_poet) March 9, 2018
Be careful when you start saying stuff ironically because suddenly you can’t stop. Like I’ve been saying “yeet” for days. Yeet yeet yeet, constantly. My family is devastated. They won’t stop crying. “You’re breaking our hearts,” they say. “Yeet,” I say.
— ditch pony (@molly7anne) April 24, 2018
do you think real airplanes look at model airplanes and feel insecure about their bodies
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) April 25, 2018
“Tell me the truth, am I out of touch with the common man?” I ask.
“Maybe a little,” says my butler.
I scoff, but my mouth is so full of aged tawny port that I start coughing and almost choke. He pats me on the back a few times.
“Don’t touch me without your gloves,” I wheeze.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) April 21, 2018
the worst part about meeting new people is having to tell your life story like it's a coherent narrative you endorse
— molly (@hiitsmolly) August 24, 2017