I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lots of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to visit this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
Little Caesars: It's hot and it's ready.
Me: Is it good?
Little Caesars: It's HOT. And it's READY.
— [kie.ran] (@danblackroyd) May 15, 2018
This big dude at the gym was wearing a PornHub snapback and i thought “haha thats kinda funny” but then i saw he also had PornHub socks on and i was like “haha okay thats kinda weird” but then i saw he also had a PornHub duffel bag and i was like “haha okay this guy makes porn”
— lee (@___leebron) May 15, 2018
when i’ve got a funny story but i have to wait until my friend finishes talking pic.twitter.com/gkXmtoGAtC
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) May 14, 2018
is he one of us pic.twitter.com/9lkRJu5BUt
— scam (@WiredHoney) May 14, 2018
my dad’s ghetto ass won’t buy toilet paper but he can do this with the paper towels pic.twitter.com/G1AnsPXN4W
— :/ (@spicythot) May 12, 2018
"By the way, I never really liked you," she said, as the door of the spaceship closed.
— Karen (Tozzi) (@karentozzi) March 4, 2015
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. "Who will carry on the ancient family curse?" they say.
— Molly Hodgdon (@Manglewood) October 4, 2014
Teacher: Billy, please tell the class what the 25th letter of the alphabet is
Teacher: because i fucken asked you to that's why
— FROVO (@fro_vo) June 6, 2016
ME: *realises I've just stepped on an ant* oh no
JOHN WICK: Has anyone seen my pet ant?
ME: OH NO
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) January 3, 2018
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) February 17, 2016
My four year old is watching Toy Story for the first time ever and he just whispered to himself, “Alive toys… I knew it.”
— tragic ally (@TragicAllyHere) February 8, 2018
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It's like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
— jess (@jessokfine) April 28, 2015
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon's trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) December 23, 2017
Me: *eating a snack*
Dog trainer: those are for the dog
Me: then why does it look like bacon?
Dog trainer: to fool the dog
Me: *still eating them* I see
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) May 10, 2018
No sign has ever encapsulated my life more than the one this woman is wearing pic.twitter.com/eWFVita7Dx
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) September 7, 2017