I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lots of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to visit this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
I hate when my Touch ID doesn’t work on my phone like c’mon you already know it’s me with a little chicken tenders grease
— Dalton (@TheDaltonHill) December 29, 2017
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn't taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
— Gayer, Different Aaron (@abgates7) May 22, 2018
this is what neighborhood cats look like in Texas pic.twitter.com/sNjaz66tpn
— alli 🍒 (@xallimariexx) May 20, 2018
*Opens box of cereal*
— nadim (@nadimpatel_) May 23, 2018
when you marry a cvs receipt pic.twitter.com/JmJgj4lGz0
— J.Cyrus (@JCyrus) May 20, 2018
I bought a car today, and the dealership had me check off — with a pen, on paper — that I’m not a robot. pic.twitter.com/x6nJ68e6uj
— Marci Robin (@MarciRobin) May 20, 2018
Like a boss. pic.twitter.com/zy5GY37Vkt
— ערבי ותו לא! (@arbiv2lo) May 21, 2018
whenever i’m sad i just think about this one time sophomore year when a girl gave my teacher this cake to commemorate the 3 month anniversary of us turning in our essays that still hadn’t been graded pic.twitter.com/jCywHKxVG5
— nik (@nikkikatalinic) May 19, 2018
Bro I had to be the dumbest preschooler out there😐 pic.twitter.com/0AGIk1tBa9
— Sal Perez (@Sal_Perez4) May 19, 2018
You vs the Antelope she’s telling you not to worry about pic.twitter.com/KKtY1b2i6Z
— Brad Jordan (@504carsonst) May 19, 2018
Having a period every month just because you didn’t get pregnant is the epitome of “meetings that could have been emails”
— Monique ✨ (@xoxoxMinnie) May 19, 2018
I JUST SUPLEXED MY GIRLFRIEND INTO MY BED AND THIS HAPPENED pic.twitter.com/hmxoQaoLot
— paco (@PacoSZN) May 20, 2018
In Shrek, Shrek grabs a frog, blows it up like a balloon and IT FLOATS.
Does this mean Shrek has the ability to exhale pure helium? What other secrets lie within his fascinating anatomy?
Hi, I'm Neil DeGrasse Tyson and I am fucking baaaaaked.
— Das Skoogeth (@Skoogeth) May 17, 2018
I always have my kids say “thank you” to Alexa so that hopefully in the future our robot overlords will remember their civility
— Diedrich Bader (@bader_diedrich) March 14, 2018
I'm going home for my high school reunion and I forgot to bring my iPhone charger or have children.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) June 15, 2017