Mike
I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lots of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to visit this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
1.
https://twitter.com/tinodotcom/status/1001596741630783488
2.
https://twitter.com/AndrewTCollin/status/1001890887419514880
3.
one time in high school my brother took my car and CRASHED it, got it fixed and put it back in the driveway all within my 6hr school day and he kept it a secret for 4 years!!! i think that’s the most sibling thing ever
— jenny t (@jrtyszka) May 29, 2018
4.
did a spider write this pic.twitter.com/UK91QFd1ck
— Jon Savitt (@savittj) May 29, 2018
5.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
— ♥mark magark♥ (@markedly) December 19, 2017
6.
If you drive past horses and don’t say “horses” you’re a psychopath
— alex (@primetimealexx) January 15, 2018
7.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me "dad are clouds candy?" 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked "dad, what's Earth's defense system?" and then I remembered I don't have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black "what is the defense system father"
— ✨Omar Najam✨ 🖤🤍💜 (@OmarNajam) November 28, 2017
8.
My "Not involved in human trafficking" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
— mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) November 21, 2013
9.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
— ceej (@ceejoyner) April 20, 2017
10.
https://twitter.com/DanMentos/status/763589479055495168
11.
https://twitter.com/jawbroken/status/1202148117319681
12.
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You're… an ambulance.
DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [dies]— mo (@chuuew) May 4, 2016
13.
https://twitter.com/Fred_Delicious/status/600287857996083201
