I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lots of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to visit this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
This video required Super Mario sound FX, not commentary… pic.twitter.com/paRpcu3QC8
— Ozzy Man Reviews (@OzzyManReviews) June 7, 2018
the cat trying to get into the Japanese art mueseum is now immortalized on a tote bag in their gift shop pic.twitter.com/eLcY2jYrlI
— RabbeseKing (@RabbeseKing) June 4, 2018
Me putting my foot down and telling my friends I’m not drinking tonight pic.twitter.com/mTyPqnO3te
— AK 🇹🇹 (@franzakeem) June 4, 2018
The mayor from Jaws is still the mayor in Jaws 2. It is so important to vote in your local elections.
— Adam Goodell (@adamgoodell) October 21, 2017
Trying to spell hors d’oeuvres makes me n’oeuvre-ous.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) June 1, 2018
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
— OhNoSheTwitnt 🌈 (@OhNoSheTwitnt) March 23, 2017
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 16, 2015
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
— Jason (@longwall26) December 20, 2015
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.
— Marl (@Marlebean) June 7, 2018
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCavemann) May 5, 2018
You can’t kick me out of the International House Of Pancakes, Linda. I have diplomatic immunity.
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) October 16, 2013
Aries: When you were born, they switched you with another baby at the hospital. A better one.
— Sorrow-scopes (@Sorrowscopes) June 7, 2018
Friend: wanna come out tonight?
Me: ah man, I’d love to, but I have to ask the ol’ ball and chain first
Comfort Zone: *shakes head*
Me: sorry man, looks like she wants a night in tonight 🙁
— Kyle 🌱 (@KylePlantEmoji) June 7, 2018
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
— Chris Hallbeck (@ChrisHallbeck) January 28, 2015
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) March 27, 2018