Emily Burns
There are few things that bring us greater joy than pure unadulterated petty behavior on the internet. Sometimes the pettiness is justified, other times it’s just petty for the sake of being petty. Either way, we get a thrill out of watching it go down.
Today, one of the pettiest crimes in the history of petty crimes occurred and it was at the expense of none other than one of the oldest and most respected publications in the world, The New York Times. See for yourself.
On Thursday morning, The New York Times decided to ask readers to share their best stories of petty crimes committed in London.
Have you experienced a petty crime in London? Click to tell us your story.
(Your submission may be selected for publication.) https://t.co/MRvmXdlYC8— The New York Times (@nytimes) December 13, 2018
And while the publication was naively hoping to capture accounts of actual petty crime…
This is the internet and even the Brits live to be petty.
Needless to say, they took their responses to Twitter and shared all the most pettily British crimes that happen in the city on a daily basis.
Literally, the pettiest things you can think of.
Woman 1st off the Bakerloo line tube at Piccadilly this morning walked up the stairs still looking at her phone. Chaos. Police nowhere to be seen.
— Chris Williams (@cjrw1981) December 13, 2018
Um, rude?
Someone once refused to thank me after I held open a door for them.
— p e t e r (@p____m____b) December 13, 2018
Some were a little confusing, though.
My gentleman’s gentleman was accosted by some young hooligans outside my club. “I say, those are some rum plus-fours, old chap,” they said. He was terribly shaken and had to take a half holiday. I had to pour my own pink gin this morning
— Tom Chivers (@TomChivers) December 13, 2018
My trusted valet Jenkins witnessed a scuffle between an errant ne’er-do-well and a learned pig over who would eat the final chestnut at the frost fair, and he was most alarmed that the pig uttered several barbed insults in the Latin tongue, but using the vocative. Most unseemly.
— Greg Jenner: 'DEAD FAMOUS OUT MARCH 19TH!' (@greg_jenner) December 13, 2018
There were far too many tube faux pas.
Someone spoke to me on the tube last week. Still haven’t recovered.
— Christmas Niamh (@buckbeakbabie) December 13, 2018
Sometimes people do not KEEP LEFT in tube stations, despite signs clearly ordering the contrary
— John P (@jdp80) December 13, 2018
Someone on the Thameslink into London Bridge was watching Mrs Brown's Boys on their phone with the sound on. Loads of people saw it happen, nobody intervened. City's gone, man.
— Rob Davies (@ByRobDavies) December 13, 2018
Not to mention, film references.
I was once pickpocketed by an old man and his gang of orphan children
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) December 13, 2018
My children were abducted by their nanny and discovered cavorting with a troupe of dancing chimney sweeps.
— Chris Smith (@itschrissmith) December 13, 2018
In 1964 a dancing chimney sweep committed a brutal assault on the English accent. Despite frequent police reconstructions on television every Christmas and Easter, he has still not been found.
— Julian Shea (@juliansheasport) December 13, 2018
And just all around horrific London crime.
I was in my local London eatery and they’d run out of boiled mutton and porridge. I was furious and reported them to the police.
— Simon Neville (@SimonNeville) December 13, 2018
There's one quite hench squirrel that sometimes comes into my garden that has an undefinably surly attitude about it. Police have asked me to call again if it starts getting more aggro
— wrestlemepod (@wrestlemepod) December 13, 2018