Mike
These Twitter jokes are going to make you laugh or I promise to refund the $0 it cost you to read them. I say this because after putting this list together for the last few years, someone will inevitably comment “none of these made me laugh.” Well, congratulations, Brad, you’re impervious to humor. You must be a blast to hang out with.
I’m not saying these are the best jokes ever written. All I’m saying is these made me laugh and I hope they’ll do the same for you. If they don’t, maybe keep it to yourself. Either way, I hope you have a great day. Except for you, Brad.
1.
internet, you've done it again.
best christmas ornament ever. pic.twitter.com/F4qEDHqUTH— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) November 30, 2018
2.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
— rachael (@WookieOnUnicorn) March 3, 2013
3.
I like to think these bears were supposed to meet for lunch but one got the wrong park pic.twitter.com/OV7GCloNBv
— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) September 27, 2015
4.
Scientists have again landed a spacecraft on a proverbial dime on a planet 40 million miles away that rotates at 241 metres per second. Think I'm gonna trust them on this climate change stuff.
— Scott Linnen (@ScottLinnen) November 26, 2018
5.
No more self-improvement. You’re good. Now go help others.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) November 26, 2018
6.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you're just a barn owl
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) November 24, 2018
7.
one fun part of family time is when everyone runs out of stuff to say, so you all just sit in different rooms together
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) November 23, 2018
8.
Whenever you're feeling unloved, think back to that time at the petting zoo when one of the goats made prolonged, meaningful eye contact with you.
— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) November 14, 2017
9.
I’m a bitch
I’m a lover
I’m a child
I’m a mother
I’m a dolphin in the sea
I mostly say eeeeeeeEEEEEEEeee— andrew (@AndrewChamings) November 28, 2018
10.
Me: this cranberry sauce low-key slaps
My inlaws: what the fuck is wrong with you— Musky Lozenge ☣️ (@LostCatDog) November 22, 2018
11.
on a mission to eat all 50 state birds
— everett byram (@rad_milk) November 19, 2018
12.
Walt Disney: The part where the dogs eat spaghetti isn’t horny enough. Make it hornier
Disney animator: I can’t Walt, it’s impossible!
Walt Disney: H O R N I E R— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) November 28, 2018
13.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
— John Kennedy (@FrazzleMyGimp) May 16, 2018
14.
[Bed]
GF: Am I bad girl?
ME: Yeah you're a bad girl
GF: oh yeah [pulls me closer] so how *bad* am I?
ME [remembering she said she didn't want dessert & then ate my dessert] you're a fucking nightmare tbh Linda— Jon (@ArfMeasures) November 15, 2017
15.
me during morning shift: ay who the FUCK closed last night
me closing at night: this looks like a problem for the opener
— Neek (@babyltaly) April 18, 2019